my mind buzzes like a swarm of hornets having angry sex.
ive lost all sense of the way things were.
lately ive been contemplating the state of my soul,
surveying more for the highest bidder than for myself.
because in the end we dont own a damn thing,
not this house we call our bodies,
or the junk that lays askew inside.
To be blunt id rather pull out all my teeth
than listen to you speak one more word.
but ive never been too forward,
so ill just sit back and grin,
and grind them slowly hoping that you'll get the picture before they're nothing but bloody nubs.
i cant help but find it a little funny,
when you're crawling on your knees,
spitting blood on my feet.
i admire the color of the crimson meeting the asphalt.
oh things will work out like they always do,
me on my back,
and you sky high before your face first onto the pillow.
i find it so charming that "Fuck" is always your last word,
before your down and out.
i could spend hours talking about how things should be,
but i keep my mouth shut,
and hide away in the corners of my thoughts where you havent dared to go,
and whisper to even myself,
"This is what you wanted."
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
in the most unexpected faces, i see changes.
How i look at life has changed indeed since the last time we spoke, my love. From fluffy clouds of pink and orange that filled our heads with lazy milligram dreams, to a crushing tide from unclear oceans. The sun shown brighter yesterday, of this i am quite certain, and it again will dim tomorrow. Until one day the sun will not shine at all.
I still feel you in the air when i see a crooked smile accompanied with blood shot eyes. Is it true still what we used to say, that love is the driving force of the soul? For in these dying days i feel as if it is something more sinister. Though truly what is more sinister than love? The constant struggle of the heart to gain and lose all at once.
Everywhere i look there are faces, all with different expressions. Some of love, some of lust, of hate, of sadness. My heart fills with paranoia at the thought of this being what you see too.
oh please close your eyes, close your eyes for me.
i used to dream in Polariods. Distorted frames of smiling faces, trickling with bittersweet memories. Maybe its a past life of which i am remembering, since i have yet to see these things in this life. but is it love or heartache that i recall, that my heart craves so desperately?
but now my dreams are vivid pictures. Not quite nightmares but they fill me with sorrow. They're too much like reality, taking away the safe haven of fantasies, leaving me with no place to hide.
My heart cries out,
but i simply cant bring myself to write about you.
i'll keep you trapped inside a trunk in my mind,
where all my secrets go to hide.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Car Crash Hearts,
It was early morning by the time they left the neon lights of the club,
The streets still lit by the street lamps.
The air had grown cold but it felt nice on her bare skin,
still glistening from dancing all night.
His curly hair lay almost straight with sweat along the sides of his face,
under the wool beanie he always wore,
more out of habit than to keep himself warm.
They walked silently for a while,
still entranced by the spell of each other.
After a few minutes she pulled out a menthol cigarette from the pack in her purse,
pressing it to her lips and lighting it expertly with her pink zippo.
He stared at her with a look of curiosity in his face as she exhaled smoke,
watching it mix with the steam from his own hot breath.
He looked down embarrassed when she noticed his gaze and turned to him.
"You know smoking can kill you" he said, now looking at the pavement
She laughed, "A lot of things can kill me. A bus as i'm crossing the street, a stranger i meet at a bar." she slanted her eyes at him furtively, the smoke curling around her plump red lips (which he couldn't help but notice), "He could turn out to be a psychopathic serial killer!"
"Well that's true about the bus thing," He replied with a chuckle,"and for legal purposes, we'll just say that the second part isn't true." he lifted his eyes to hers deviously, twisting his lips into a crooked smile, "With the stranger there is so much possibility for something great to begin. But with smoking, it is proven to be bad for you, no matter what. There's never a choice for a happy ending."
She took a last drag from her cigarette and flicked it to the street, stomping it out with her heel.
"But you see, that's not true either. You believe what you hear and what you see, what they tell you is rational, because any normal person would see the effects of smoking, like lung cancer for example, as certain misery and death."
" But what if getting lung cancer is the best thing that ever happens to me? That I find the friends and family i never had in the support groups and doctors and nurses in the hospitals? what if i find god in my last few months of life and for the first time find peace in my soul and the world?" Her voice grew louder and her eyes seemed far away as she looked up at the sky.
"Whether i died or lived, i would be better. I would die happy, or i would live more grateful for life than i had ever felt before."
She then stopped walking and turned to stand in front of him.
Her eyes seemed to plead for an answer,
to be understood and accepted,
as if they had never seen a day of peace in their life.
They were standing on top of the bridge over the Chicago River,
The few stars that glittered in the night sky over the city reflecting off the dark water below.
He was staring at her with complete amazement in his eyes.
In all his life he had never met a girl like her, so honest and trusting,
and he knew at that moment he could never go another day without her.
She dropped her eyes, her face now flushed with the cold air and slight embarrassment,
She couldn't understand the look on his face,
or the sudden electricity in the air.
it was far different than the atmosphere that had been between them in the club,
full of curiosity and desire.
This was thicker, deeper, almost tangible.
He took a step closer to her, and then another, and when the gap was closed between them,
he gently lifted her hung head with his finger tips.
His bright green eyes locked with hers and she knew what was about to happen.
She opened her mouth to say something, but her words were lost as their lips touched.
The kiss was soft, gentle.
It was the kiss of two people who wanted each other,
but also needed something from the other.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer,
curling her fingers around the ends of his damp hair as he wrapped his arms around her thin waist.
After a moment they pulled away, still not letting go of the other,
and in that embrace she too realized,
her life was about to change forever.
The streets still lit by the street lamps.
The air had grown cold but it felt nice on her bare skin,
still glistening from dancing all night.
His curly hair lay almost straight with sweat along the sides of his face,
under the wool beanie he always wore,
more out of habit than to keep himself warm.
They walked silently for a while,
still entranced by the spell of each other.
After a few minutes she pulled out a menthol cigarette from the pack in her purse,
pressing it to her lips and lighting it expertly with her pink zippo.
He stared at her with a look of curiosity in his face as she exhaled smoke,
watching it mix with the steam from his own hot breath.
He looked down embarrassed when she noticed his gaze and turned to him.
"You know smoking can kill you" he said, now looking at the pavement
She laughed, "A lot of things can kill me. A bus as i'm crossing the street, a stranger i meet at a bar." she slanted her eyes at him furtively, the smoke curling around her plump red lips (which he couldn't help but notice), "He could turn out to be a psychopathic serial killer!"
"Well that's true about the bus thing," He replied with a chuckle,"and for legal purposes, we'll just say that the second part isn't true." he lifted his eyes to hers deviously, twisting his lips into a crooked smile, "With the stranger there is so much possibility for something great to begin. But with smoking, it is proven to be bad for you, no matter what. There's never a choice for a happy ending."
She took a last drag from her cigarette and flicked it to the street, stomping it out with her heel.
"But you see, that's not true either. You believe what you hear and what you see, what they tell you is rational, because any normal person would see the effects of smoking, like lung cancer for example, as certain misery and death."
" But what if getting lung cancer is the best thing that ever happens to me? That I find the friends and family i never had in the support groups and doctors and nurses in the hospitals? what if i find god in my last few months of life and for the first time find peace in my soul and the world?" Her voice grew louder and her eyes seemed far away as she looked up at the sky.
"Whether i died or lived, i would be better. I would die happy, or i would live more grateful for life than i had ever felt before."
She then stopped walking and turned to stand in front of him.
Her eyes seemed to plead for an answer,
to be understood and accepted,
as if they had never seen a day of peace in their life.
They were standing on top of the bridge over the Chicago River,
The few stars that glittered in the night sky over the city reflecting off the dark water below.
He was staring at her with complete amazement in his eyes.
In all his life he had never met a girl like her, so honest and trusting,
and he knew at that moment he could never go another day without her.
She dropped her eyes, her face now flushed with the cold air and slight embarrassment,
She couldn't understand the look on his face,
or the sudden electricity in the air.
it was far different than the atmosphere that had been between them in the club,
full of curiosity and desire.
This was thicker, deeper, almost tangible.
He took a step closer to her, and then another, and when the gap was closed between them,
he gently lifted her hung head with his finger tips.
His bright green eyes locked with hers and she knew what was about to happen.
She opened her mouth to say something, but her words were lost as their lips touched.
The kiss was soft, gentle.
It was the kiss of two people who wanted each other,
but also needed something from the other.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer,
curling her fingers around the ends of his damp hair as he wrapped his arms around her thin waist.
After a moment they pulled away, still not letting go of the other,
and in that embrace she too realized,
her life was about to change forever.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
REM,
its times like these,
when the darkness takes you in and caresses you with her lacey finger tips,
where there is no difference between wrong and right.
and even if there was, we could be wrong for just one night.
the light of the dancing flame cascades over piles of silk and skin,
making the stars shine dark through the window pane,
compared to their glow.
compared to our glow.
beneath the sheets lies our only truth,
the one we hide from in the sun.
the need, the want we try to run,
from yet somehow always come back to.
in the morning light it will be forgotten,
so for now lets live inside this moment,
inside eachother,
where tears and laughter dont mean a thing.
its all the same when you play these games,
we play with the night and the stars and the flame.
when the darkness takes you in and caresses you with her lacey finger tips,
where there is no difference between wrong and right.
and even if there was, we could be wrong for just one night.
the light of the dancing flame cascades over piles of silk and skin,
making the stars shine dark through the window pane,
compared to their glow.
compared to our glow.
beneath the sheets lies our only truth,
the one we hide from in the sun.
the need, the want we try to run,
from yet somehow always come back to.
in the morning light it will be forgotten,
so for now lets live inside this moment,
inside eachother,
where tears and laughter dont mean a thing.
its all the same when you play these games,
we play with the night and the stars and the flame.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The trees get wheeled away,
im beginning to realize a pattern.
you know my mom used to tell me all the time that i was born for a reason.
that god sent me to her at the exact time that she needed something to save her.
that if it wasnt for me she'd probably be dead.
she used to tell me that through out my Deedee's life she had been mostly unhappy.
the only thing that brought her unconditional joy was me.
and in the last few years of her life it was perfect timing.
funny if all this is true,
cause it seems i didnt get much out of the deal.
from the time i was small ive lived for other people.
brought me great happiness for the most part.
i like to know i can make people happy.
but it always ends with a great sacrifice for myself.
atleast i knew/know they truly loved and cared about me the whole time.
my whole life.
the only 2 people who ever have.
i let myself get walked on by everyone, almost daily.
just so they will be happier.
since you were one of the single most important people in my life, it goes without saying i gave up a lot of my own happiness to make sure you were happy.
that for once in your life you felt like you had someone there for you who cared and loved you.
guess i should have seen the way it would end though.
lots of pain and heart ache.
its how it always is for me.
i was born to live for other people, to make other people happy.
to make sure other people are good and live great lives or die happy.
there have been a few people like that in the past.
and if i remember correctly, they all died.
so it seems i have a lot to look forward to.
why everything thats happened surprised me, i dont know.
cause ive seen it all before.
but at least i knew they loved and cared about me unconditionately the whole time.
unlike you.
so we've gone from not much to nothing at all.
you're welcome.
you know my mom used to tell me all the time that i was born for a reason.
that god sent me to her at the exact time that she needed something to save her.
that if it wasnt for me she'd probably be dead.
she used to tell me that through out my Deedee's life she had been mostly unhappy.
the only thing that brought her unconditional joy was me.
and in the last few years of her life it was perfect timing.
funny if all this is true,
cause it seems i didnt get much out of the deal.
from the time i was small ive lived for other people.
brought me great happiness for the most part.
i like to know i can make people happy.
but it always ends with a great sacrifice for myself.
atleast i knew/know they truly loved and cared about me the whole time.
my whole life.
the only 2 people who ever have.
i let myself get walked on by everyone, almost daily.
just so they will be happier.
since you were one of the single most important people in my life, it goes without saying i gave up a lot of my own happiness to make sure you were happy.
that for once in your life you felt like you had someone there for you who cared and loved you.
guess i should have seen the way it would end though.
lots of pain and heart ache.
its how it always is for me.
i was born to live for other people, to make other people happy.
to make sure other people are good and live great lives or die happy.
there have been a few people like that in the past.
and if i remember correctly, they all died.
so it seems i have a lot to look forward to.
why everything thats happened surprised me, i dont know.
cause ive seen it all before.
but at least i knew they loved and cared about me unconditionately the whole time.
unlike you.
so we've gone from not much to nothing at all.
you're welcome.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
sunrise, sunset
I think that the sun,
rises to see you, but falls
when you deceive me.
My mind was clouded
With thoughts of you; chameleon
eyes that turn to gold
rises to see you, but falls
when you deceive me.
My mind was clouded
With thoughts of you; chameleon
eyes that turn to gold
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The lover,
The summer, the summer
it is fading now and the trees are slowly dying.
Where are you?
The love ive come to cherish.
You were a child and I was a child,
But love is blind,
and what is time to those with immortal hearts?
Oh my dear the summer, the summer,
It is dying and so am i.
And so are we,
Are we?
The clock toll says we are,
But I can still feel your heart beat,
Keeping time with mine and the tick tock
Of our eternal minds.
The summer, the summer,
Singing its last song,
Sing to me again,
Heart of my heart, love of my love,
Like you did that night,
When we lay under the clear moonlight,
Bathing in the glory of what was you and i.
What is you and i.
My beloved, my summer, my summer,
you leave me with a sweet kiss,
a touch that burns my skin.
You were mine and now you are not.
Leaving me alone to bare,
The cold of my husbands stare.
it is fading now and the trees are slowly dying.
Where are you?
The love ive come to cherish.
You were a child and I was a child,
But love is blind,
and what is time to those with immortal hearts?
Oh my dear the summer, the summer,
It is dying and so am i.
And so are we,
Are we?
The clock toll says we are,
But I can still feel your heart beat,
Keeping time with mine and the tick tock
Of our eternal minds.
The summer, the summer,
Singing its last song,
Sing to me again,
Heart of my heart, love of my love,
Like you did that night,
When we lay under the clear moonlight,
Bathing in the glory of what was you and i.
What is you and i.
My beloved, my summer, my summer,
you leave me with a sweet kiss,
a touch that burns my skin.
You were mine and now you are not.
Leaving me alone to bare,
The cold of my husbands stare.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
life, the universe, god, and heaven. they are large and they are vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.
i love him, he doesnt love me. i love him, he loves me.
i love her, she doesnt love me. i love her, she loves me.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.
he is my savior, he is my demise.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.
it's not mine.
you're not mine.
but i want it and i want you.
i want it to hang around my neck like a locket.
but it will not. you will not.
i hang around its neck like a locket.
i dont matter and yet i do.
there is nothing i can do to change it.
but i can.
i am small.
i like it and i dont like it.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.
i love him, he doesnt love me. i love him, he loves me.
i love her, she doesnt love me. i love her, she loves me.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.
he is my savior, he is my demise.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.
it's not mine.
you're not mine.
but i want it and i want you.
i want it to hang around my neck like a locket.
but it will not. you will not.
i hang around its neck like a locket.
i dont matter and yet i do.
there is nothing i can do to change it.
but i can.
i am small.
i like it and i dont like it.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
love all, trust few, and do wrong to noone.
a good friend once told me,
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I have never heard something so true.
for a person who is so used to always being right, it is very hard and painful for me to admit i was wrong.
people tried to tell me i was wrong, but because of my narcissism i didnt listen.
but now i realize that i was a fool.
i was a fool to believe.
to go against everything i had always known and to ignore my instincts.
that will never happen again.
i refuse to keep being made to look like an idiot.
i am so much better than that.
id get out, turn around, if only i knew i was dead wrong.
all along.
You are not the person i thought you were.
not at all.
i do not know you.
i do not know this horrible person.
but i will always long for that boy that i loved,
i will always love him,
and i will always miss him.
maybe some day we will meet again, in some form or another.
this aching and emptiness in my heart will never heal.
it is something i will just have to learn to live with.
and i will live.
i will live to show you that i can, to show everyone i can.
it will be a long and difficult road.
trying to get back to the way i was before i met you.
because i wish i had never met you.
but i will overcome some how.
i am a firm believer in karma.
i believed she would get what she deserved without your assistance.
but because you messed with karma, now you will get what you deserve.
and this time i cant promise i'll be there to help you.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I have never heard something so true.
for a person who is so used to always being right, it is very hard and painful for me to admit i was wrong.
people tried to tell me i was wrong, but because of my narcissism i didnt listen.
but now i realize that i was a fool.
i was a fool to believe.
to go against everything i had always known and to ignore my instincts.
that will never happen again.
i refuse to keep being made to look like an idiot.
i am so much better than that.
id get out, turn around, if only i knew i was dead wrong.
all along.
You are not the person i thought you were.
not at all.
i do not know you.
i do not know this horrible person.
but i will always long for that boy that i loved,
i will always love him,
and i will always miss him.
maybe some day we will meet again, in some form or another.
this aching and emptiness in my heart will never heal.
it is something i will just have to learn to live with.
and i will live.
i will live to show you that i can, to show everyone i can.
it will be a long and difficult road.
trying to get back to the way i was before i met you.
because i wish i had never met you.
but i will overcome some how.
i am a firm believer in karma.
i believed she would get what she deserved without your assistance.
but because you messed with karma, now you will get what you deserve.
and this time i cant promise i'll be there to help you.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Happy birthday to me.........
Today is my 16th birthday.
all my life i have been the type of person who took full advantage of their birthday.
i considered august 2nd to be a holiday, and i usually celebrated the whole week.
i did anything i wanted, with the excuss of "its my birthday"
quite simply, i loved my birthday.
and today should be one of the best birthdays of my life.
16
even tho i stilll cant drive,
turning 16 just feels different.
i should be the happiest person in the world right now.
but im not.
today is one of the worst days of my life.
i dont feel anything at all,
i just want to stay in bed until today is over.
because what i want for my birthday, ill never get.
no matter how much i wishm it wont happen.
so whats the goddamn point?
you ruined my birthday.
so for that,
fuck you.
all my life i have been the type of person who took full advantage of their birthday.
i considered august 2nd to be a holiday, and i usually celebrated the whole week.
i did anything i wanted, with the excuss of "its my birthday"
quite simply, i loved my birthday.
and today should be one of the best birthdays of my life.
16
even tho i stilll cant drive,
turning 16 just feels different.
i should be the happiest person in the world right now.
but im not.
today is one of the worst days of my life.
i dont feel anything at all,
i just want to stay in bed until today is over.
because what i want for my birthday, ill never get.
no matter how much i wishm it wont happen.
so whats the goddamn point?
you ruined my birthday.
so for that,
fuck you.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Dead.
if you are reading this,
I am dead.
i have died and i will not rise again.
bury me beneath the sheets of everything i ever believed in.
i have nothing.
i have nothing.
i have nothing to live for.
had nothing to live for.
and today i let myself die.
my body is cold.
i am cold.
my blood has ceased to run.
my mind has stopped turning.
my heart has stopped beating.
and i am cold.
there is no peace in my death.
there is no white light.
there is only darkness.
black.
i was abandoned in life,
and now i am abandoned in death.
i told you i would explain to you the word "ever".
As james and Lilly sat in the clearing,
Lilly whispered "Im afraid",
James replied "I know you are and so am i. but the only thing that matters, the only thing you need to know for sure is that im not leaving"
She smiles "Ever?"
"Yes. Ever."
Lilly rests her head on James's shoulder "I don't want to be alone anymore, James"
James rests his head on hers, "You won't be"
"I cried all day" Lilly says.
And James gently lifts Lilly's head, looks her in the eyes and whispers "Don't cry again. Just think of the word ever".........................
Even in death, i will think of you forever,
your memory will never leave me.
even in death.
yours is the last face ill see before the black takes over.
the very last sound i hear will be your voice,
the very last breath i take will be your scent.
I am dead.
i have died and i will not rise again.
bury me beneath the sheets of everything i ever believed in.
i have nothing.
i have nothing.
i have nothing to live for.
had nothing to live for.
and today i let myself die.
my body is cold.
i am cold.
my blood has ceased to run.
my mind has stopped turning.
my heart has stopped beating.
and i am cold.
there is no peace in my death.
there is no white light.
there is only darkness.
black.
i was abandoned in life,
and now i am abandoned in death.
i told you i would explain to you the word "ever".
As james and Lilly sat in the clearing,
Lilly whispered "Im afraid",
James replied "I know you are and so am i. but the only thing that matters, the only thing you need to know for sure is that im not leaving"
She smiles "Ever?"
"Yes. Ever."
Lilly rests her head on James's shoulder "I don't want to be alone anymore, James"
James rests his head on hers, "You won't be"
"I cried all day" Lilly says.
And James gently lifts Lilly's head, looks her in the eyes and whispers "Don't cry again. Just think of the word ever".........................
Even in death, i will think of you forever,
your memory will never leave me.
even in death.
yours is the last face ill see before the black takes over.
the very last sound i hear will be your voice,
the very last breath i take will be your scent.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Fury.
it rages through my body like a deadly virus.
urging me to do damage.
i want it to go away.
i want it to leave me.
i want to kill it.
urging me to do damage.
i want it to go away.
i want it to leave me.
i want to kill it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
progress report,
i am still sad.
and i still don't know what to do.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
when I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
and i still don't know what to do.
Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
when I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?
Monday, July 20, 2009
none
the butcher's shop - it reeks of slaughter. in the back room, it is refrigerated,
and they store vials of scarlet blood on the shelves. next to them are stacks
of fish eyes, but those do not taste nearly as nice.
at night, i like to half-close my eyes and wrap my fingers around my throat.
"hello, asphyxiation," i say, and through a screen of my own eyelashes i see that
there is a crucifix hanging on my bedroom wall, and i think about my friend from
elementary school who made me a collage from church pamphlets.
(when i was young, i fastened a 'vacancy' sign to my skull in the hopes of
attracting religion, but i no longer have room to believe in a god because it is
filled with meat hooks where i hang my rotting thoughts.)
i shut my hand in the clothing dryer this morning;
the skin now recoils from my knuckles to expose stark bones. upon seeing it
i want to vomit, but that is only because it is beautiful, isn't it?
there are bees trapped in my larynx and i cannot speak, not even to the
priest in the confessional. there is a christmas tree in my room festooned with
dead chain lights, and it is october. there are things called final thoughts, last words,
and maybe that's what these are? (and sometimes i rub my lips with roxanol and
slather my skin with cold air, saying "this won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt a bit.")
and they store vials of scarlet blood on the shelves. next to them are stacks
of fish eyes, but those do not taste nearly as nice.
at night, i like to half-close my eyes and wrap my fingers around my throat.
"hello, asphyxiation," i say, and through a screen of my own eyelashes i see that
there is a crucifix hanging on my bedroom wall, and i think about my friend from
elementary school who made me a collage from church pamphlets.
(when i was young, i fastened a 'vacancy' sign to my skull in the hopes of
attracting religion, but i no longer have room to believe in a god because it is
filled with meat hooks where i hang my rotting thoughts.)
i shut my hand in the clothing dryer this morning;
the skin now recoils from my knuckles to expose stark bones. upon seeing it
i want to vomit, but that is only because it is beautiful, isn't it?
there are bees trapped in my larynx and i cannot speak, not even to the
priest in the confessional. there is a christmas tree in my room festooned with
dead chain lights, and it is october. there are things called final thoughts, last words,
and maybe that's what these are? (and sometimes i rub my lips with roxanol and
slather my skin with cold air, saying "this won't hurt a bit, this won't hurt a bit.")
Monday, July 13, 2009
normal.
i want so badly to tell you something,
but i have no idea what that something is.
im waiting for you to tell me something,
but i have no idea what that something is.
i still feel like one day something will happen,
one big event, that will make everything okay and make me feel like i used to.
i know this is an unrealistic wish, and it puts a lot of pressure on you,
but i still hope for it.
from the beginning i decided you were my lifetime project.
but maybe we both need fixing.
you want to understand me,
i want to understand you.
but the truth is we've never talked about what makes us how we are.
maybe its because we dont understand ourselves.
its that i love you and i miss the sparkle that made me blush.
but i have no idea what that something is.
im waiting for you to tell me something,
but i have no idea what that something is.
i still feel like one day something will happen,
one big event, that will make everything okay and make me feel like i used to.
i know this is an unrealistic wish, and it puts a lot of pressure on you,
but i still hope for it.
from the beginning i decided you were my lifetime project.
but maybe we both need fixing.
you want to understand me,
i want to understand you.
but the truth is we've never talked about what makes us how we are.
maybe its because we dont understand ourselves.
its that i love you and i miss the sparkle that made me blush.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
paperhearts,
Last night I danced with you over endless I love you's and forget me not's to your bed.
In the morning I tip-toed over mountains of I hate you's and i don't need you's nipping at my heels.
On the coldest day in December i dressed myself in your favorite dress and made a million paper ships with paper hearts.
With bandaged hands i released them down a watered gutterpath all addressed to you,but your lips were to busy mumbling sweet nothing's that even you didn't believe.
All the while my paper ships with paper hearts sailed on by until they soaked up all the water and sank.
So tonight she will dance with you over empty I love you's and I'll forget you tomorrow's to your bed.
I'll just keep making these paper ships with paper hearts and maybe someday one will reach you.
In the morning I tip-toed over mountains of I hate you's and i don't need you's nipping at my heels.
On the coldest day in December i dressed myself in your favorite dress and made a million paper ships with paper hearts.
With bandaged hands i released them down a watered gutterpath all addressed to you,but your lips were to busy mumbling sweet nothing's that even you didn't believe.
All the while my paper ships with paper hearts sailed on by until they soaked up all the water and sank.
So tonight she will dance with you over empty I love you's and I'll forget you tomorrow's to your bed.
I'll just keep making these paper ships with paper hearts and maybe someday one will reach you.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Goldfish,
Jesus, it has been such a long time since i last posted.
a month and some change.
it is a real shame that i didn't post at all during June,
so much happened,
some good, some bad.
but so far i really have had a life altering summer.
i hope it continues with the same energy.
i have grown closer to a group of people that i have always really adored.
and for that i am very grateful.
i love them dearly.
"to always remember who you are, and who you want to be"
i wish i could remember everything that was said standing on the bank of Tobo on July 4th,
but that one phrase sticks in my head the most.
because that is the one thing i hope all of my loved ones remember.
its far too uncommon these days.
a month and some change.
it is a real shame that i didn't post at all during June,
so much happened,
some good, some bad.
but so far i really have had a life altering summer.
i hope it continues with the same energy.
i have grown closer to a group of people that i have always really adored.
and for that i am very grateful.
i love them dearly.
"to always remember who you are, and who you want to be"
i wish i could remember everything that was said standing on the bank of Tobo on July 4th,
but that one phrase sticks in my head the most.
because that is the one thing i hope all of my loved ones remember.
its far too uncommon these days.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
LimeTree,
breezy breezy sundays in your backyard.
i remember them.
the grass was bright green and cold,
just like your eyes.
you said we are no more important than trees,
you are the lime tree.
you'd say.
you lived with your grandparents back then,
Nanniebob made the best macaroni and cheese.
but then your mom came back home.
and wanted you to live with her again.
you hated your mom, but you moved back in with her.
and you said it was great.
you said.
you had a boyfriend then,
his name was Blake.
Blake was your first.
i remember us laying on your bed listening to Midtown,
when you told me.
you started crying but you told me you were happy.
thats what you told me.
you used to party a lot then,
with all of Blakes older friends.
you used to tell me about all the crazy stuff that would happen.
knocking on my window at 3 in the morning,
smelling like alcohol and smoke and chemicals.
you usually slept in my bathroom when you got sick.
you told me you didnt want to wake up your mom and her boyfriend, because they needed the sleep.
thats what you'd say.
i heard you screaming one night.
you were laying outside my door.
thankfully i was the only one home that night.
you were sweaty, and very very pale.
you felt cold.
you were too heavy to drag inside, so i started crying and ran for the phone.
the ambulance said to stay on the line, but i dropped the phone.
"Baby bird, it will be all right. when you jump there is always the chance you'll catch the wind and fly away."
thats what you said.
then you shut your eyes.
i remember them.
the grass was bright green and cold,
just like your eyes.
you said we are no more important than trees,
you are the lime tree.
you'd say.
you lived with your grandparents back then,
Nanniebob made the best macaroni and cheese.
but then your mom came back home.
and wanted you to live with her again.
you hated your mom, but you moved back in with her.
and you said it was great.
you said.
you had a boyfriend then,
his name was Blake.
Blake was your first.
i remember us laying on your bed listening to Midtown,
when you told me.
you started crying but you told me you were happy.
thats what you told me.
you used to party a lot then,
with all of Blakes older friends.
you used to tell me about all the crazy stuff that would happen.
knocking on my window at 3 in the morning,
smelling like alcohol and smoke and chemicals.
you usually slept in my bathroom when you got sick.
you told me you didnt want to wake up your mom and her boyfriend, because they needed the sleep.
thats what you'd say.
i heard you screaming one night.
you were laying outside my door.
thankfully i was the only one home that night.
you were sweaty, and very very pale.
you felt cold.
you were too heavy to drag inside, so i started crying and ran for the phone.
the ambulance said to stay on the line, but i dropped the phone.
"Baby bird, it will be all right. when you jump there is always the chance you'll catch the wind and fly away."
thats what you said.
then you shut your eyes.
Monday, May 25, 2009
my head just wont cooperate today, bleh
we are children.
we are the sons and daughters of the sun and the moon,
and we own the night.
semi toxic smoke and deadly neon hydrogen peroxide and a phthalate ester solvent.
we breath that in.
but its no worse than the nicotine-rat poison cocktail we inhale daily.
fermented potato juice and fermented sugarcane.
we drink that in.
but its no worse than the pills they proscribe.
we dance together when the moon is high and the music is loud.
bodies intertwined, a hand here, a hip there.
no ones body is really their own anyway.
when the energy and time is right you'll give yourself to anyone,
give a dance, give a kiss, give a touch.
and by the end of the night you are everyone and everyone is you.
by morning non of it will matter,
just a bruise here, and a throb there.
everyone is just after love.
it comes with the freedom of summer,
the promise of no regrets.
because by the time they remember,
its hybernation time again.
we've only just woke up.
we are the sons and daughters of the sun and the moon,
and we own the night.
semi toxic smoke and deadly neon hydrogen peroxide and a phthalate ester solvent.
we breath that in.
but its no worse than the nicotine-rat poison cocktail we inhale daily.
fermented potato juice and fermented sugarcane.
we drink that in.
but its no worse than the pills they proscribe.
we dance together when the moon is high and the music is loud.
bodies intertwined, a hand here, a hip there.
no ones body is really their own anyway.
when the energy and time is right you'll give yourself to anyone,
give a dance, give a kiss, give a touch.
and by the end of the night you are everyone and everyone is you.
by morning non of it will matter,
just a bruise here, and a throb there.
everyone is just after love.
it comes with the freedom of summer,
the promise of no regrets.
because by the time they remember,
its hybernation time again.
we've only just woke up.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
i just had to post this now,
A storm is coming, Frank says
A storm that will swallow the children
And I will deliver them from the kingdom of pain
I will deliver the children back the their doorsteps
And send the monsters back to the underground
I'll send them back to a place where no-one else can see them
Except for me,
Because I am Donnie Darko.
A storm that will swallow the children
And I will deliver them from the kingdom of pain
I will deliver the children back the their doorsteps
And send the monsters back to the underground
I'll send them back to a place where no-one else can see them
Except for me,
Because I am Donnie Darko.
oh Ecanus,
how i need you now.
not only do i have "The Novel" in my head,
a story line thats been festering in my brain for the past year,
now i also have a new creative idea.
and seeing as this one is a bit closer to me, its not going to blow off.
GRRR.
stupid Angel.
why bless me with the gift of story creation, but deny me the rest of your power?
the gift of seeing my work through to completion.
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggg.................................................................
i dont even know where to start.
not only do i have "The Novel" in my head,
a story line thats been festering in my brain for the past year,
now i also have a new creative idea.
and seeing as this one is a bit closer to me, its not going to blow off.
GRRR.
stupid Angel.
why bless me with the gift of story creation, but deny me the rest of your power?
the gift of seeing my work through to completion.
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggg.................................................................
i dont even know where to start.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Love.
It's so close to hate, it's almost indistinguishable.
but this is how it was for the two of them.
Love and Hate.
Life and Death.
Joy and Anguish.
Abbadon the Unlikely.
Named so because his wistful nature masked a cold and fierce rage.
The Destroyer of Worlds,
and the emperor of her own heart.
but this is how it was for the two of them.
Love and Hate.
Life and Death.
Joy and Anguish.
Abbadon the Unlikely.
Named so because his wistful nature masked a cold and fierce rage.
The Destroyer of Worlds,
and the emperor of her own heart.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
no subject;;
so obviously that story i started didnt exacly work out as i planned.
as everything i do ends up, i might finish it
i might not.
it will depend if im ever in that strange mood again.
if you are interested though, leave me a comment and ill tell you the tale.
i dont really have anything to say.
Thursday afternoon art gallery selection:
as everything i do ends up, i might finish it
i might not.
it will depend if im ever in that strange mood again.
if you are interested though, leave me a comment and ill tell you the tale.
i dont really have anything to say.
Thursday afternoon art gallery selection:
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Memoria,
memories find me in the wake of night and catch me unaware.
perhaps it was his face, or his face, or hers, or theirs that brought me here but then again it all goes back to you in the end. not your intention im sure.
the smell of smoke, sweat, and perfume always filled the air of that little house. it was a smell id grown so used to, whether it be the fact i was there 24/7 or the fact that my clothes smelled the same way. or maybe thats one in the same. Clarissa was my favorite person as well as my favorite family member. she was 2 years older than me, and i loved everything about her from her long black hair, to her smokey eyes, to her lanky features and awkward walk. when she talked everyone listened because everything she said sounded urgent and important. she wore her clothes a size too small, which made her anorexic hip bones stick out over the hem of her jeans unnaturally. I wanted to be exactly like her. everyday we would go out into the dark surrounding woods in search of treasures and new places to call our own. we'd play house in the abandoned tree fort, or pirates in the enclosed creek. we'd bring snacks and eat them on the fallen, rotted tree, swatting at bugs that swarmed in the summer heat. we(she) would talk about our parents (or the ones that didnt exist), Boys (imaginary or real), and growing up (wearing lipstick, getting periods, and smoking). This was our life, summer after summer. or more my life. Clarissa had a life of her own and didnt need me. not like i needed her. As we got older, me in soft adolescents and her being a raging teen, we began expanding our little world so it was not just us anymore. Friends of Clarissas came in and out of her house more than even i did. Mostly boys. older and smarter and more beautiful than any i had ever been around. i envied the way clarissa could talk to them so easily, unlike me who rambled about nothing,and the love in all the boys eyes for her and her beauty, unlike me who was young and too cute. They mostly ignored me, and as time went on so did clarissa. i didnt mind much, i just enjoyed the taste of the world around me. i liked being the wall flower. I also began to notice the differences in all the boys and the differences in how clarissa acted around them. Some were too nice, some were mean, some were cocky, some were shy, some were pushy, some were loud. some made clarissa laugh, some made her cry, some made her scream, some made her dumb, some made her bleed. It was all so much and all too many for my inexperienced brain to understand. I began to not like clarissa because of how she ignored me or tried to boss me around whenever we werent alone, which was becoming more and more often. i began to resent boys because they ignored me or were unkind or tried to boss me around. i began to think they were confusing me with clarissa.
and then one day not so very special, you came into our little world that everyone was now using and calling there own. you came in, and everything changed. not your intention im sure........
perhaps it was his face, or his face, or hers, or theirs that brought me here but then again it all goes back to you in the end. not your intention im sure.
the smell of smoke, sweat, and perfume always filled the air of that little house. it was a smell id grown so used to, whether it be the fact i was there 24/7 or the fact that my clothes smelled the same way. or maybe thats one in the same. Clarissa was my favorite person as well as my favorite family member. she was 2 years older than me, and i loved everything about her from her long black hair, to her smokey eyes, to her lanky features and awkward walk. when she talked everyone listened because everything she said sounded urgent and important. she wore her clothes a size too small, which made her anorexic hip bones stick out over the hem of her jeans unnaturally. I wanted to be exactly like her. everyday we would go out into the dark surrounding woods in search of treasures and new places to call our own. we'd play house in the abandoned tree fort, or pirates in the enclosed creek. we'd bring snacks and eat them on the fallen, rotted tree, swatting at bugs that swarmed in the summer heat. we(she) would talk about our parents (or the ones that didnt exist), Boys (imaginary or real), and growing up (wearing lipstick, getting periods, and smoking). This was our life, summer after summer. or more my life. Clarissa had a life of her own and didnt need me. not like i needed her. As we got older, me in soft adolescents and her being a raging teen, we began expanding our little world so it was not just us anymore. Friends of Clarissas came in and out of her house more than even i did. Mostly boys. older and smarter and more beautiful than any i had ever been around. i envied the way clarissa could talk to them so easily, unlike me who rambled about nothing,and the love in all the boys eyes for her and her beauty, unlike me who was young and too cute. They mostly ignored me, and as time went on so did clarissa. i didnt mind much, i just enjoyed the taste of the world around me. i liked being the wall flower. I also began to notice the differences in all the boys and the differences in how clarissa acted around them. Some were too nice, some were mean, some were cocky, some were shy, some were pushy, some were loud. some made clarissa laugh, some made her cry, some made her scream, some made her dumb, some made her bleed. It was all so much and all too many for my inexperienced brain to understand. I began to not like clarissa because of how she ignored me or tried to boss me around whenever we werent alone, which was becoming more and more often. i began to resent boys because they ignored me or were unkind or tried to boss me around. i began to think they were confusing me with clarissa.
and then one day not so very special, you came into our little world that everyone was now using and calling there own. you came in, and everything changed. not your intention im sure........
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
so here i am, its in my hands
daily update on nothing:
(thoughts i had today at school)
I'm pissed cause Madi got kicked off the prom committee by Mrs. Duhon because she isnt "normal". Fuckdatshit. nobody is "normal", and all the girls shes trying to say are normal are all bitches and whores or dumb as dirt. except for Morgan and Rebecca ofcourse.
i am so sick of emo/scene kids. i mean if you want to dye your hair, get piercings, tattoos, dress a certain way, and listen to hard core music thats all fine and dandy. and trust me i love my friends that consider themselves "emo" or "scene". but i hate the ones that thats all they are. the ones that whine like bitches, or say "oh im soo original" when they look and act exactly like the other bitches they are with. i swear to god if i hear one more person say they are "original" im going to slap them. NO ONE IS ORIGINAL!!! everything we do or think is influenced by something else! i think thats my biggest pet peeve.
My god these people are idiots. Arrogant little wannabe losers. all of you are going no where in life and you know it. I will walk all over you.
i have a fascination with feminine looking guys, but i could never date them. Jackie and Anna like these guys like Bill (Tokio Hotel) and Kiro (Cinema Bizarre) who look and sound like straight girls. i just couldnt do it. i could make out with them, but i couldnt do more than that or date. it would be weird. i like feminine features though, which is i guess why i like hip bones so much.
Anna said i had a double chin.
LABELS ARE FOR SOUP CANS AND FAKES.
i'd just like to say that.
i really wish i had an older brother.
(thoughts i had today at school)
I'm pissed cause Madi got kicked off the prom committee by Mrs. Duhon because she isnt "normal". Fuckdatshit. nobody is "normal", and all the girls shes trying to say are normal are all bitches and whores or dumb as dirt. except for Morgan and Rebecca ofcourse.
i am so sick of emo/scene kids. i mean if you want to dye your hair, get piercings, tattoos, dress a certain way, and listen to hard core music thats all fine and dandy. and trust me i love my friends that consider themselves "emo" or "scene". but i hate the ones that thats all they are. the ones that whine like bitches, or say "oh im soo original" when they look and act exactly like the other bitches they are with. i swear to god if i hear one more person say they are "original" im going to slap them. NO ONE IS ORIGINAL!!! everything we do or think is influenced by something else! i think thats my biggest pet peeve.
My god these people are idiots. Arrogant little wannabe losers. all of you are going no where in life and you know it. I will walk all over you.
i have a fascination with feminine looking guys, but i could never date them. Jackie and Anna like these guys like Bill (Tokio Hotel) and Kiro (Cinema Bizarre) who look and sound like straight girls. i just couldnt do it. i could make out with them, but i couldnt do more than that or date. it would be weird. i like feminine features though, which is i guess why i like hip bones so much.
Anna said i had a double chin.
LABELS ARE FOR SOUP CANS AND FAKES.
i'd just like to say that.
i really wish i had an older brother.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Words
words
they can be beautiful
they can give you hope
give you strength
find you love
make you understand
help you feel
words
they can hurt you
they can make you believe lies
give you a bad name
find you alone
make you enemies
help you learn your true friends
i look to words for my salvation
but what happens when words betray me?
who can i turn to in this world,
when what they speak is only words?
they can be beautiful
they can give you hope
give you strength
find you love
make you understand
help you feel
words
they can hurt you
they can make you believe lies
give you a bad name
find you alone
make you enemies
help you learn your true friends
i look to words for my salvation
but what happens when words betray me?
who can i turn to in this world,
when what they speak is only words?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Lemonade,
so much has happened to me in the past week.
a rollercoaster of emotion after emotion.
feelings of anger and complete hopelessness.
but ive come to realize that isnt something i really want to talk about,
i dont want to talk about pain or change.
i want to talk about you.
i want to talk about you because you are the only thing that doesnt change.
Love remains the same.
its the only thing i can count on to still be there at the end of the day, whether that day is good or bad.
you're all i think about, all i dream about.
i couldnt get through a day without speaking to you, and whenever im unsure when ill be able to i freak out.
one day you said to me "im scared you'll find someone else and want to be with him",
and i told you that wouldnt happen.
the truth is no one really knows what will happen.
i cant promise forever, i cant even promise tomorrow.
but i can promise that ill always love you and always want to be with you, even if i cant.
we will have eachother forever,
you're stuck with me, kid :)
you make me angry and annoy the crap out of me, make me smile and feel like flying all at the same time.
i think thats special.
there is so much i want for us,
so many plans, dreams, and schemes.
and i want all of them,
like i want all of you,
because im giving you all of me.
right now, and forever
a rollercoaster of emotion after emotion.
feelings of anger and complete hopelessness.
but ive come to realize that isnt something i really want to talk about,
i dont want to talk about pain or change.
i want to talk about you.
i want to talk about you because you are the only thing that doesnt change.
Love remains the same.
its the only thing i can count on to still be there at the end of the day, whether that day is good or bad.
you're all i think about, all i dream about.
i couldnt get through a day without speaking to you, and whenever im unsure when ill be able to i freak out.
one day you said to me "im scared you'll find someone else and want to be with him",
and i told you that wouldnt happen.
the truth is no one really knows what will happen.
i cant promise forever, i cant even promise tomorrow.
but i can promise that ill always love you and always want to be with you, even if i cant.
we will have eachother forever,
you're stuck with me, kid :)
you make me angry and annoy the crap out of me, make me smile and feel like flying all at the same time.
i think thats special.
there is so much i want for us,
so many plans, dreams, and schemes.
and i want all of them,
like i want all of you,
because im giving you all of me.
right now, and forever
Sunday, March 15, 2009
so relieved,
i just wanted to post alittle update on my life right now:
i think its time for a new beginning.
so thats what im going to do
=]
time to make new friends,
become a better friend with the old,
try new things, and just be a better person
id like to take some classes,
like art, creative writing, voice, and piano
start writing again
stop taking things for granted so much
why am i shunning all the stuff i love??
its so dumb of me
its going to be summer soon
already im feeling the energy in my bones for adventure
i want to leave this place and never come back
i want to believe in me again
i want to wear pretty dresses, and makeup and smile
i want to dye my hair pink again
im reverting back to the old me
=]
i think its time for a new beginning.
so thats what im going to do
=]
time to make new friends,
become a better friend with the old,
try new things, and just be a better person
id like to take some classes,
like art, creative writing, voice, and piano
start writing again
stop taking things for granted so much
why am i shunning all the stuff i love??
its so dumb of me
its going to be summer soon
already im feeling the energy in my bones for adventure
i want to leave this place and never come back
i want to believe in me again
i want to wear pretty dresses, and makeup and smile
i want to dye my hair pink again
im reverting back to the old me
=]
Friday, March 13, 2009
2 days and counting,
really i have done nothing but cry and sleep for the past 3 days.
i dont want to talk to anyone anymore.
i dont want to breath
i dont want to talk to anyone anymore.
i dont want to breath
Thursday, March 12, 2009
1 day and counting,
soooo i think i should be nominated for the 'BEST WEEK EVER' award
someone call VH1.
friday, March 6 was supposed to be one of the greatest nights of the new spring season.
the first MVP show in a while that everyone went to, plus it was warm enough to be cute.
i was ready to make my appearance
get things started for the spring and summer seasons
the lovely mr. phillips (most trusted male friend) had even picked me up for the occasion.
everything felt exactly as it was suppsed to.
i was on top of it once again.
until certain events.
in a single night everything about my life completely changed.
mine and my mothers relationship became strained,
i lost my best friend,
im not aloud to see my love for who knows how long,
and im completely shut off from the world since my mom took my phone and im not aloud to leave the house.
amazing how things dont always go like you plan, huh?
times right now seem unfortunate,
but i remain hopeful.
summer is mine.
that wont change for anything.
ill rise again, dont worry.
and ill be better than ever.
you seem to forget im the one who created you,
i can destroy you just as easily
you shouldnt under estimate me
someone call VH1.
friday, March 6 was supposed to be one of the greatest nights of the new spring season.
the first MVP show in a while that everyone went to, plus it was warm enough to be cute.
i was ready to make my appearance
get things started for the spring and summer seasons
the lovely mr. phillips (most trusted male friend) had even picked me up for the occasion.
everything felt exactly as it was suppsed to.
i was on top of it once again.
until certain events.
in a single night everything about my life completely changed.
mine and my mothers relationship became strained,
i lost my best friend,
im not aloud to see my love for who knows how long,
and im completely shut off from the world since my mom took my phone and im not aloud to leave the house.
amazing how things dont always go like you plan, huh?
times right now seem unfortunate,
but i remain hopeful.
summer is mine.
that wont change for anything.
ill rise again, dont worry.
and ill be better than ever.
you seem to forget im the one who created you,
i can destroy you just as easily
you shouldnt under estimate me
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
hollywood hills and suburban thrills
and no im not kidding anyone.
im uneasy,
restless,
a nagging feeling in my stomach.
i hate it.
i need reassurance.
i need comfort.
i need 20$
anyone know a creative way to ask your mom for 20$?
haha
but am i brave enough to do it?
even if im 90% sure of the answer?
could my heart last the 3 minutes that could determine everything?
ignorance is indeed bliss.
but not knowing is torture.
im uneasy,
restless,
a nagging feeling in my stomach.
i hate it.
i need reassurance.
i need comfort.
i need 20$
anyone know a creative way to ask your mom for 20$?
haha
but am i brave enough to do it?
even if im 90% sure of the answer?
could my heart last the 3 minutes that could determine everything?
ignorance is indeed bliss.
but not knowing is torture.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
snow in march,
in macon, GA of all places.
a great way to start off the month
=]
i spent the day outside
i didnt care how cold it was
with the boy i love
and the friends i adore
everything was so beautiful.
and though the white is gone and melted for the most part
i will remember.
and i will melt too
a great way to start off the month
=]
i spent the day outside
i didnt care how cold it was
with the boy i love
and the friends i adore
everything was so beautiful.
and though the white is gone and melted for the most part
i will remember.
and i will melt too
Saturday, February 28, 2009
yeah im a feminist,
sorry fellas.
a number of things could have caused this:
my moms uber feminism,
her being bi sexual and interacting with lesbians on a day to day basis,
never having a real dad,
having a plethora of fucked up step dads (3 to be exact),
having an alcoholic grandfather,
seeing abuse everywhere,
being abused,
having my own share of asshole boyfriends.
alot huh, so what would you expect?
ive never seen a man do something for a women she couldnt do herself.
or could even do better.
thats what i live by.
i think you need us alot more than we need you
a number of things could have caused this:
my moms uber feminism,
her being bi sexual and interacting with lesbians on a day to day basis,
never having a real dad,
having a plethora of fucked up step dads (3 to be exact),
having an alcoholic grandfather,
seeing abuse everywhere,
being abused,
having my own share of asshole boyfriends.
alot huh, so what would you expect?
ive never seen a man do something for a women she couldnt do herself.
or could even do better.
thats what i live by.
i think you need us alot more than we need you
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Fairy Tale Dreams,
lets laugh and smile
under baby blue skies.
lets run in cool sand, and splash in foamy waves.
lets play and sing
like children
lets take pictures and make memories
of love and happiness
lets hold on to one another and kiss
under beams of pink and orange
lets sink into eachother
like the sun sinks into the sea.
under baby blue skies.
lets run in cool sand, and splash in foamy waves.
lets play and sing
like children
lets take pictures and make memories
of love and happiness
lets hold on to one another and kiss
under beams of pink and orange
lets sink into eachother
like the sun sinks into the sea.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
i feel like screaming
loud.
letting sound rip through my chest.
rip through my soul.
hearts accelerating
head turning,
twirling.
catching glimpses of mid summer nights and pre-thunderstorm dreams.
lungs burning,
bursting.
under cool midnight air.
ears ringing
like the song of a thousand mocking birds.
escape.
release.
a runaway.
collapse.
i feel like screaming.
letting sound rip through my chest.
rip through my soul.
hearts accelerating
head turning,
twirling.
catching glimpses of mid summer nights and pre-thunderstorm dreams.
lungs burning,
bursting.
under cool midnight air.
ears ringing
like the song of a thousand mocking birds.
escape.
release.
a runaway.
collapse.
i feel like screaming.
ooohh-may-guh-low-mayn-eee-ack
half hearted but oh so charming
been singing and humming absent mindedly all day
must be in a good mood.
(mindedly isnt a word)
im in huge need of a hair cut,
hopefully this time they'll get it right so i dont cry.
im starting to realize that some people are more my friends than others.
im getting new friends.
its a fun and interesting thing
=]
ive realized i had stronger feelings for one person
more than i had originally thought at the time.
though it doesnt make much of a difference now.
there are 3 people id like to say i love you too today
=]
im going to north carolina friday,
and im hoping a certain person will go with me.
i need a prom dress.
i need to get over you.
you shouldnt have this power over me
drugs are bad. dont do them. (weed and alcohol are fine however. even shrooms if you feel so obligated)
peer pressure is stupid because it doesnt exist in less you're an idiot.
im a lioness and he looks like a lion and likes felines.
i think thats funny and ironic.
i dont eat very much.
and yet i havent lost any weight.
but i havent gained any either. so its whatever.
this is completely pointless.
Peace<3
been singing and humming absent mindedly all day
must be in a good mood.
(mindedly isnt a word)
im in huge need of a hair cut,
hopefully this time they'll get it right so i dont cry.
im starting to realize that some people are more my friends than others.
im getting new friends.
its a fun and interesting thing
=]
ive realized i had stronger feelings for one person
more than i had originally thought at the time.
though it doesnt make much of a difference now.
there are 3 people id like to say i love you too today
=]
im going to north carolina friday,
and im hoping a certain person will go with me.
i need a prom dress.
i need to get over you.
you shouldnt have this power over me
drugs are bad. dont do them. (weed and alcohol are fine however. even shrooms if you feel so obligated)
peer pressure is stupid because it doesnt exist in less you're an idiot.
im a lioness and he looks like a lion and likes felines.
i think thats funny and ironic.
i dont eat very much.
and yet i havent lost any weight.
but i havent gained any either. so its whatever.
this is completely pointless.
Peace<3
Sunday, February 15, 2009
for you.
Don't tell me.
You're done for.
I don't need to hear.
You're done for.
You can tell me what you are running from.
I need you,
More than you need you.
I can see you're really really running.
Can I ask you where you gonna run to?
And you think you're really really funny.
well I don't think your funny as you do.
We all feel like we're breaking sometime.
But I won't give you up tonight
Stay awake.
Stay awake survive.
I've got nineteen stars that I,
Gave your name, tonight.
I wanna scream.
Wanna scream your name.
Starlight,
My life can save.
You're my wish tonight.
Don't tell me,
It doesn't matter.
I'll tell you,
What matters.
Bare feet in the summer.
Open windows at night.
You think that no one needs you.
You have nothing to see through.
Well I need you.
No one can catch me,
The way that you catch me.
The way that you keep me when I'm out of time.
What if I need you?
When I can't see you?
And I'm running out of life.
Please...
You're done for.
I don't need to hear.
You're done for.
You can tell me what you are running from.
I need you,
More than you need you.
I can see you're really really running.
Can I ask you where you gonna run to?
And you think you're really really funny.
well I don't think your funny as you do.
We all feel like we're breaking sometime.
But I won't give you up tonight
Stay awake.
Stay awake survive.
I've got nineteen stars that I,
Gave your name, tonight.
I wanna scream.
Wanna scream your name.
Starlight,
My life can save.
You're my wish tonight.
Don't tell me,
It doesn't matter.
I'll tell you,
What matters.
Bare feet in the summer.
Open windows at night.
You think that no one needs you.
You have nothing to see through.
Well I need you.
No one can catch me,
The way that you catch me.
The way that you keep me when I'm out of time.
What if I need you?
When I can't see you?
And I'm running out of life.
Please...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
God,
ive completely lost it.
im officially in full freak out mode.
exactly how bad do you have to get to warrant a hospital stay?
cause im pretty sure im there.
im officially in full freak out mode.
exactly how bad do you have to get to warrant a hospital stay?
cause im pretty sure im there.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
no subject;;
the past 3 years ive been overly concerned about my weight.
yeah i know, "why are you complaining? your 5'6 and 120 pounds. chill the fuck out."
but no matter what you say to try to convince me, im always going to be self conscience of my "puge"
but now im thinking about things alittle better.
im talking to a girl right now,
shes 18,
5'8,
and 98 pounds.
if someone had come up to me and told me about this girl, and at first glance at her pictures i would've said "lucky bitch. i wish i had her body" and then would have not ate for the rest of the day.
but after examining her pictures, ive begun to rethink some things.
her thinness isnt as beautiful as i had imagined.
instead of striking and fragile, she just looks sick, boney, and cold.
and i wanted to look like this.
i thought "5'6 and 100 pounds. Perfect!"
but now i see i was alittle off.
tho im still not comfortable with my body, ive finally begun to appreciate my curves and womanly shape.
some girls cant have that at all.
maybe this is a sort of liberation.
i suppose we'll see
yeah i know, "why are you complaining? your 5'6 and 120 pounds. chill the fuck out."
but no matter what you say to try to convince me, im always going to be self conscience of my "puge"
but now im thinking about things alittle better.
im talking to a girl right now,
shes 18,
5'8,
and 98 pounds.
if someone had come up to me and told me about this girl, and at first glance at her pictures i would've said "lucky bitch. i wish i had her body" and then would have not ate for the rest of the day.
but after examining her pictures, ive begun to rethink some things.
her thinness isnt as beautiful as i had imagined.
instead of striking and fragile, she just looks sick, boney, and cold.
and i wanted to look like this.
i thought "5'6 and 100 pounds. Perfect!"
but now i see i was alittle off.
tho im still not comfortable with my body, ive finally begun to appreciate my curves and womanly shape.
some girls cant have that at all.
maybe this is a sort of liberation.
i suppose we'll see
Monday, February 2, 2009
Lets believe in something again..
Starts from the bottom and goes up (note times) :
From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 11:00 PM
your karisma (sp?hehe) helps me put my creativity to good use
instead of focusing on negative things, you help me focus on positive things
i like being colorful and standing outand its time for all the kids that are colorful to come out
im through taking crap from others and from myself
ive never cared for other peoples opinions other than the ones i love
and if they love me they will always support me
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: chelsea. Date: Apr 2, 2008 7:37 PM
you know what you inspire me to be outside of the box.
society demands black and white.
i consider us..colorful compared to them.
and i know we're not the only people like that.
i say we join forces with them and start revolution.
get people to listen to us.
lets not take crap from anyone.
your the only person that gets me.
i'd rather be different and looked down upon by my peers than to sit back and watch my dreams go down the drain because of what people think.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 10:30 PM
exactly.
and no matter who you are, everyone feels the same emotions
and what is music but emotions with a beat?
youre the only person i can talk to about this stuff
everyone else is so small minded
life is hard, i know that as much as any 30 year old
but i refuse to think that when im older ill be living a normal life
people like us are meant for so much more
i will take no less than what i dream
id rather die in an adventure, than live in a normal life
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: chelsea. Date: Apr 2, 2008 7:18 PM
yeah cuz the whole world has one thing in common.
music.
everywhere you go you're gonna here a different type of music.
i want to start a revolution
i want to prove to people that i can be somebody.
i want people to come up with a new type of music.
i dont want to be the average rock band.
i dont even want to be considered a rock star.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 10:11 PM
my life will simply not be complete unless i go on tour
hopefully with my own band
but even if that doesnt happen, i atleast want to be a guitar tech for a band and go on tour.
i want my name to be on the tips of kids fingers when they talk on message boards.
i want blogs written everytime i change my hair.
i want to be a successful business women
to show the world a girl can belong in the rock music industry on her own
i want to show the world music that could change their life
like the way music has changed mine
i want to make a culture
be the cause of a revolution.
i think music has the power to heal the soul.
i think it might even have the power to heal the world.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: chelsea. Date: Apr 2, 2008 6:50 PM
i dont want to be famous i just want to tour.
i want a fan base. people that support what i do.
cuz god knows i dont get that at home.
and over all i mean i want to own my own business.
i want to be able to be known to where i can say to my friends who might have a record company,
hey listen to them they're good.
and i want to make a difference in some ones life.
thats what i want to do.
and music is like a stress reliever.
i want to be able to walk down the street and here someone singing a song of ours.
i want to be known.
i want to be a legend.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 9:41 PM
lmao=]
yeah tell me about it
why cant we be famous already?haha jk
im not in it for the money
i just want people to know my face when im gone=P
From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 11:00 PM
your karisma (sp?hehe) helps me put my creativity to good use
instead of focusing on negative things, you help me focus on positive things
i like being colorful and standing outand its time for all the kids that are colorful to come out
im through taking crap from others and from myself
ive never cared for other peoples opinions other than the ones i love
and if they love me they will always support me
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: chelsea. Date: Apr 2, 2008 7:37 PM
you know what you inspire me to be outside of the box.
society demands black and white.
i consider us..colorful compared to them.
and i know we're not the only people like that.
i say we join forces with them and start revolution.
get people to listen to us.
lets not take crap from anyone.
your the only person that gets me.
i'd rather be different and looked down upon by my peers than to sit back and watch my dreams go down the drain because of what people think.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 10:30 PM
exactly.
and no matter who you are, everyone feels the same emotions
and what is music but emotions with a beat?
youre the only person i can talk to about this stuff
everyone else is so small minded
life is hard, i know that as much as any 30 year old
but i refuse to think that when im older ill be living a normal life
people like us are meant for so much more
i will take no less than what i dream
id rather die in an adventure, than live in a normal life
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: chelsea. Date: Apr 2, 2008 7:18 PM
yeah cuz the whole world has one thing in common.
music.
everywhere you go you're gonna here a different type of music.
i want to start a revolution
i want to prove to people that i can be somebody.
i want people to come up with a new type of music.
i dont want to be the average rock band.
i dont even want to be considered a rock star.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 10:11 PM
my life will simply not be complete unless i go on tour
hopefully with my own band
but even if that doesnt happen, i atleast want to be a guitar tech for a band and go on tour.
i want my name to be on the tips of kids fingers when they talk on message boards.
i want blogs written everytime i change my hair.
i want to be a successful business women
to show the world a girl can belong in the rock music industry on her own
i want to show the world music that could change their life
like the way music has changed mine
i want to make a culture
be the cause of a revolution.
i think music has the power to heal the soul.
i think it might even have the power to heal the world.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: chelsea. Date: Apr 2, 2008 6:50 PM
i dont want to be famous i just want to tour.
i want a fan base. people that support what i do.
cuz god knows i dont get that at home.
and over all i mean i want to own my own business.
i want to be able to be known to where i can say to my friends who might have a record company,
hey listen to them they're good.
and i want to make a difference in some ones life.
thats what i want to do.
and music is like a stress reliever.
i want to be able to walk down the street and here someone singing a song of ours.
i want to be known.
i want to be a legend.
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: Taylor June. Date: Apr 2, 2008 9:41 PM
lmao=]
yeah tell me about it
why cant we be famous already?haha jk
im not in it for the money
i just want people to know my face when im gone=P
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
words are just all the birds,
i loved him, though at the time didn't know what that meant.
he was my best friend, and he was beautiful.
His eyes were like planets,
alive with life and the color of liquid mahogany
but sparkled like every star in the sky.
his scent was sweet like southern hospitality
and his skin was as soft as the fresh gardenias that grow in my mothers garden,
and as warm as a summer day.
he had my fathers hands. strong and rough. but oh so gentle.
every time i was around him i immediately felt at home...
he was my best friend, and he was beautiful.
His eyes were like planets,
alive with life and the color of liquid mahogany
but sparkled like every star in the sky.
his scent was sweet like southern hospitality
and his skin was as soft as the fresh gardenias that grow in my mothers garden,
and as warm as a summer day.
he had my fathers hands. strong and rough. but oh so gentle.
every time i was around him i immediately felt at home...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
sex, love, honey
that i taste.
honey makes me wait,
honey says shes late.
Great song
=]
in the grand scheme of the universe i have realized that i am a very small spec in it.
however, i refuse to acknowledge that fact in my daily life.
the truth?? (omg, shes being honest?)
i think im pretty kick ass.
i mean yes i have my flaws as any other person,
but as far as a teenage girl from macon georgia, im superior to most of my species.
call it narcissism, call it being stuck up
but hey atleast i dont have AIDS.
i mean im actually going to do something with my life
its like a god given right.
im bigger than macon.
im bigger than georgia.
sometimes when i look at the beauty queens around me i question myself
because frankly, they over shadow me by quite a large margin.
in the outside beauty department.
but on the inside theyre rotten to the core.
i might not be americas next top model, but atleast i have morals.
which there is a huge lack of these days.
i have come to terms with the fact im not sweet little Taylor anymore.
that died.
now im new and improved.
ready to get down and dirty to show the world something new.
paint these streets gold.
no more holding back for me,
its my time now.
honey makes me wait,
honey says shes late.
Great song
=]
in the grand scheme of the universe i have realized that i am a very small spec in it.
however, i refuse to acknowledge that fact in my daily life.
the truth?? (omg, shes being honest?)
i think im pretty kick ass.
i mean yes i have my flaws as any other person,
but as far as a teenage girl from macon georgia, im superior to most of my species.
call it narcissism, call it being stuck up
but hey atleast i dont have AIDS.
i mean im actually going to do something with my life
its like a god given right.
im bigger than macon.
im bigger than georgia.
sometimes when i look at the beauty queens around me i question myself
because frankly, they over shadow me by quite a large margin.
in the outside beauty department.
but on the inside theyre rotten to the core.
i might not be americas next top model, but atleast i have morals.
which there is a huge lack of these days.
i have come to terms with the fact im not sweet little Taylor anymore.
that died.
now im new and improved.
ready to get down and dirty to show the world something new.
paint these streets gold.
no more holding back for me,
its my time now.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Dry,
uhg i hate my body.
ive been uber stressin lately, and it isnt handling it well.
see, my body tends to turn emotional and/or mental fatigue or pain into physical pain.
headaches, breathing trouble, chest tightening/pressure, tummy ache, exhaustion.
you'd think talking about it would release some of it, and this is true.
but in the process the uncomfort reaches a climax
which tends to lead to panic attacks
which are in no way, shape or form fun.
and i just really dont feel like going through that tonight.
or at all if i can help it.
im not sure what i need, but something has definitely got to give.
ive been uber stressin lately, and it isnt handling it well.
see, my body tends to turn emotional and/or mental fatigue or pain into physical pain.
headaches, breathing trouble, chest tightening/pressure, tummy ache, exhaustion.
you'd think talking about it would release some of it, and this is true.
but in the process the uncomfort reaches a climax
which tends to lead to panic attacks
which are in no way, shape or form fun.
and i just really dont feel like going through that tonight.
or at all if i can help it.
im not sure what i need, but something has definitely got to give.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Echo
i miss you.
i wish we could talk
because ive needed you so.
im afraid you wouldnt like me now.
but only you could change that.
i wish you could meet him.
and we could be family.
i wish you could hear me sing,
and we could make waffles
and watch cartoons.
i love you.
edit:
you have given me the most precious gift you could possibly give.
Thank you
=]
i wish we could talk
because ive needed you so.
im afraid you wouldnt like me now.
but only you could change that.
i wish you could meet him.
and we could be family.
i wish you could hear me sing,
and we could make waffles
and watch cartoons.
i love you.
edit:
you have given me the most precious gift you could possibly give.
Thank you
=]
Saturday, January 3, 2009
superman is dead,
haha '09.
its been a joke so far.
even in the first few hours of the new year, i was struggling.
i guess we'll see what happens
its been a joke so far.
even in the first few hours of the new year, i was struggling.
i guess we'll see what happens
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