amongst white rabbits,

as i sit on my sofa bed, aimlessly skimming through my new book, i begin to ponder.
as usual, i ponder for at least 10 minutes about absolutely nothing at all.
much like staring blankly at a plain white canvas.
sometimes i actually do stare and its very embarrassing when I'm around people.
because i never know when this time of forced thought will occur, on occasion this happens.
after this time period of concentrating on nothing, something will start to appear.
a thought or idea will begin to paint itself.
and this is where my true thought process begins.
tonight, like most other nights, this happened to me.
and the subject of thought was simply: me.
it is said that the way you walk determines alot about how you are.
some people walk slow, looking at there shoes. others walk swiftly, staring the world straight in the face.
and some are like me. walking fast, making many small steps, staring at the floor.
this fact had never struck me as odd until just now.
and now it bothers me.
it only adds the big question of "who am i?" or rather "what do i want?"
the more i sit and examine my walk and its meaning, i begin to realize more things.
the reason i stare at the floor is because i don't like to look at people when i walk.
i hate making eye contact, and always feel awkward when i see someone i know to just say 'hi'.
so to avoid this, i don't look at any ones faces.
this in turn makes me feel more awkward because i don't know who's looking at me.
and that's where walking fast comes in.
the sooner i make it to class, the sooner i will be away from this situation of insecurity.
Which raises the next question, "why am i insecure?"
this i am still trying to figure out.
i know that i am nice to the people i meet, a likable person to people who don't know me well, and loved by the people who do know me.
I'm not trying to be narcissistic, that's just kind of how it is. and i know this.
so why do i second guess that fact?
i also know i crave attention.
nothing thrills me more than for all eyes and ears to be on me. to have people stop what they are doing to listen to what i have to say.
sometimes you can find me as the girl who laughs and talks loudly with a circle of other kids.
always smiling, always with someone on her arm.
and then there is the other part of me that is shy.
reserved. who would rather watch from the side lines.
be behind the camera than actually be on it.
these two parts are both inside me.
and they both loath the other.
because of this i am always in a constant state of confusion.
i never know exactly what to do, and this makes me awkward.
this makes me insecure, and makes me stare at the floor when i walk.
this makes me ask the questions:
"who am i?"
"what do i want?"

young love,

...And all that was left of our triumphs was the artful array of beer cans and cigarette buds. Our hearts, souls, and voices let out to fly only to fall like the ashes of your last cigarette. cold and disregarded. in turn leaving us empty, only craving more...

wrote this out of pure randomness saturday night.
inspired by the forgotten trash of macons teenage generation.
georgias finest.

it felt better that night.

Modest Touch,

Beautiful
<3

Red,

new noise.
i guess maybe thats only my own head but this one feels moonlit. the way things are different as they pass in the dark. the way we can be ourselves after dark. love, the stagecoach always turns back into a pumpkin. sometimes love is about getting even. but sometimes it is about how you are the sun and nothing can shine quite as bright as you. nothing is the same at 6 am. somehow the things we say mean more in corners of dancefloors and we focus on love below the waist and outside of the head. "dont you want to get better"- i just dont want you to worry. "dont you want to get better" - tonight i do. the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured. in my head. it aint a funeral babe, i just want the headline to die. recovery is the new drug. in your average week my head lays on so many different pillows. this windowshopped life has me dreaming of a reset button. daylight is your enemy. im in love with lovers who dont love me except under the pale light of the moon. im sleeping in my driveway tonight dreaming of sleeping in snow or gravel or whatever is next to you.... thank god, disappointment has a short shelf life. i want to buy some sleep but over the counter doesnt cut it whether it be hearts or capsules. i love you in a holding back your hair kind of way. wreck it all, one heart at a time. sleepovers are as good as they were 5 years ago. hollywood is a good story. but best friends are better.
sing into a polygraph. its not all its cracked up to be.

theres a little word called "Regret",

STOP BEING STUPID!

No Subject;;

The world is boring. Everything is premeditated. Everything is the same. The wind blows, the river flows, the sun rises, the moon falls. Babies are born, People die. Year after year.......its the same.
Our paths are set from the day we are born. Our clock starts ticking backwards from the time we take our first breath. Somewhere along the line we got this crazy idea we have free will. This is gods little white lie. See god realized the world he created was boring. So he decided he would amuse himself. He decides to write a book. He gives it to the most simple human he can find and tells him to spread the word. In this book, he gives us the power of free will. Along with some rules he made up because he was bored. when the silly human finished spreading the word, the fun started to begin. For the next Billion years, god sat at his little easel and watched the world and painted. He snickered at the people who fought in his name, and the wars his little book caused. He splashed some red onto his convase. he laughed at all the rulers who thought they could control the earth. he splashed alittle gold. he chuckled at the dreaming anarchists who thought they could make a difference. he splashed a bit of blue.
On and on, god watches the earth and paints his picture. He watches everyone live there life, painting it what ever color looks pretty at the time. Until that person gets boring, then he paints over you, and moves on to his next 'work of art'.

seven nation army,

i still really love that song.

its been quite along time since ive bothered to post anything.
whether it was a lack of computer access or a lack of creative juice im not sure.

but here i am again.

october flew by in a fog
i could sit for hours explaining everything that has happened but i dont feel like writing it and you probably dont feel like reading it.
or care for that matter.

so lets start over.

im hoping november will be more satisfying than october was,
but with the push back of the new fall out boy albums release its starting to disappoint me.

i wish for summer again.

eyesuckink,

Alex Pardee.
Bringing my most beautiful nightmares to life since 1976

hopefully ill be getting his new book soon
im very excited
=]

in loving memory...

Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.

Where are the clowns?

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.

Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours....
Making my entrance again with my usual flair.

Sure of my lines...
No one is there....

Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want...
Sorry, my dear...
And where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

Don't bother, they're here.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career.
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns...



Well, maybe next year.....

Genesis 2:17

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
thou shalt not eat of it:
for in the day that thou eatest thereof
thou shalt surely die.

dont let them see you cry,

Hard hearts are crashing in a crowded room.
the noise splits the air; Ringing, singing
i stand alone infront of the heart of my world
lights of purple and green and red flash across the floor
but all i can see is blue.
the moon shines pale across cold skin
as i look to my left and right
to one side i see the epidemy of how i want my life to be
and to the other stands a tall mirror,
i see nothing wrong with what is reflected back at me
until i see their faces turned behind me
and my heart sinks low, as i slowly drown again
this is not how its supposed to be
i am alone here, but i could never belong there
not with her, or him, or you
so where do you stand?
i would change in a heart beat if i could
turn my world completely upside down and inside out
but even if i did, the world i crave is still too far away
too beautiful, too smart, too talented
my hands could never touch, not even the surface


life is but a dream
and dreams are but life
allow me to wake up, and once again have life
leave this to my hopeless dreams

or my deepest nightmares.

rue,

I'm casually obsessed
and ive forgiven death
i am indifferent yet, i am a total wreck
I'm every cliche,
but i simply do it best.

as its clear in the title of this entire blogspot, i consider myself nothing but a cliche.
because really thats all i am.
but then again arent we all?

by trying to break free from all your ignorance i find myself becoming the most foolish of all.
i play your game to get ahead but end up in last place.



I am nothing but colorful paint on a blank canvas
sloppily put together to be created into a masterpiece
the thoughts, hopes, and dreams of another
a waste of time and tape.

i went to sleep a poet,and i woke up a fake.
fluorecent lights shine on and reveal all
nothing can hide, so im seeing you for the first time
some things should be kept in the dark.


so this is it.
we are nowhere, and its now.

hyper activity,

i noticed that i havent posted a blog in awhile
so here is a light hearted post!


my idols are most definatly Kat Von D and Pink
i just love them!
they're both super sexy, hardcore, and very talented.

thats what i want to be when im out on my own
so might as well learn from the best right?
=]

today i thought alot about the future.
and honestly ive decided......im just not going to care.
i mean im 15.
right now im just worried about getting through highschool, going to college, and kicking some major ass in the music biz.
all the other stuff that comes along with life can wait.

im young, im cute, im smart, and i can get alittle crazy
and i plan on staying that way for awhile
=]

i felt like destroying something beautiful,

i love this movie
one of my favorite scenes and my favorite quotes.

burn bright,

i am not christian.
i am not atheist.

i don't know, but really neither do you.

but i still hold the values i was taught as a girl.

i believe you should live the way you want to make you happy,
whatever it is.
life's to short to waste on slavery and limits.
but i do not believe by any circumstance you should hurt others.
at least not with intention.

i may not associate myself with any religion, but i do very much believe in god.
i don't believe he is as divinely terrible as the book says
but i do believe he has power.

i do believe the good are rewarded and the wicked are punished.

some would think it strange, but though i don't believe in heaven, i do believe hell is a real place.


and i think your time will come.


you can run on for a long time,
run on for a long time,
sooner or later God'll cut you down.
Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

lake effect kid,

its simply magic how one small thing can put your life in perspective

i just got news that Fall Out Boy is releasing a new record Nov. 4
such a small thing, but im almost teary with happiness
because now i know everything is right.

it gives me a hope that i cant explain.
its been so long since ive had everything i wanted
the last time i felt this happy was 4 years ago
When i heard Fall Out Boy for the first time.
it was a time in my life that i had everything,
a family, lots of friends, adventure, and a bright outlook on everything

alot has happened in the past 4 years to change all that
while there have been times that ill remember forever,
most of it has been covered in a sort of darkness
one big blur, grey.

for the past 5 months or so ive been recovering from it.
things had finally gotten settled enough to start trying to live again.

and now today i finally realize i am back to that place
that place of pure happiness and excitement that i thought was long gone.
i have everything i ever wanted again, and so much more

i may not have the family i used to have, but what i have is just enough.
i love where i live, i get to see my mom everyday, my walls are covered with posters, i have a cat puring next to me.

I may not have the friends i used to have, but i have better ones
ones that share my dreams with me, ones that i can trust with everything, we have memories that will last life times, and a future that has so much more adventure ahead.

and something i have now that i never had before, someone to love.
someone to call mine, who listens and understands me in a way i didnt think possible, a truly unique individual that i feel so very honored to have with me


This is how its supposed to be.

come down now,

i sing out to you and wait for your reply
like midnight birds under the winter moon.
our unchained melody filling up the air and rising to the stars
maybe if we're loud enough one of them will fall.

we lie down face to face on the soft grass
the moon turning the earth the most lovely shade of blue
a color i only see when i dream, from beneath closed eyes
but now i have never been more awake, eyes wide open
your skin glows pale grey, sparkling with the stars
a beauty that so many will never see,
and what i cant keep my eyes off of.

you hold me closer as the wind sweeps across the field
i feel a small chill in my spine, but im certain its not the cold.
i hold up our hands, fingers perfectly intertwined
the color of polished stone, like an old statue
timeless and unchanging, despite the passing of years
i bring them down and place them between our hearts
the rhythm matching exactly, making every other sound disappear
nothing but our hearts, and the sound of your slow breathing
a song, with the warmth of your lips against my head, lulling me to sleep.

i awake to the light of the sun through my eye lids.
the world looks all new, bright and colorful
our bodies are covered with cool morning dew
collecting in our hair and eyelashes
making every blink look like tears, but only ones of joy
you smile your brilliant smile, making your whole face light up like a child
your eyes glowing with the sweetest kind of innocence
my heart flutters, as you help me up and pull me in for a kiss.
bittersweet, laced with the goodbye that we both are dreading.
i intertwine of hands again as we walk back towards the real world
out of the most magnificent of dreams

i watch a bird fly across the cloudless sky,
singing to the east,
waiting for a reply.

Rumored Nights lead to truthful heartache.

its hard to ignore the feelings that song provokes.
ones ive kept hidden from you and from everyone else
because no matter what, nothing will change
you cant go back in time.
its not my life to live.
but even if i had the choice, could i be strong enough to make it?
doubtfully.
my defenses are low.

im becoming more connected, yet more detached every second.

Never change.


I never heard the words that were spoken,
with the rumored night, with the rendezvous.
I never thought the whispers were true ‘til now…
I saw things that I shouldn’t have tonight,
I know now what I couldn’t have,
I’ve gone too far to turn it back

kill the monster.

for the past 4 days i have experienced all kinds of sickness.
i wont let out the gruesome details, but needless to say i am very happy to be over it.

i wanted to make this somewhat philosophical but im just not in the mood
i think ill just update the world on my life since i havent in a few days.

well i just told you i was sick so thats taken care of.

school started last thursday
new school, same people.
i hate it.
not much more to be said other than trustworthy people are hard to come by.
and viciousness has become a virtue.

i lost my breaking dawn book and unless i get it back soon im going to die.
actually screw that, someone stole it
i am not that careless with my life.

im in this strange situation where im becoming more detached and yet becoming more involved at the same time.
hard to explain, maybe ill have details later.


anywho,
i wish for things that are too unrealistic.
sometimes it breaks my heart
but i heal pretty fast.

your indifference is charming.

nothing of interest to say.
my mind is on hold.


dear operator,
how much longer please?

insomniac

i watched the sun come up over the houses this morning
painting the sky a lovely shade of orange
a color i barely see

i couldnt sleep again tonight
maybe its something about this place
too many dreams
flooding my mind and keeping me from unconsciousness
or maybe its just you.

time to kill but no weapons
waiting on the world to wake up.


goodmorning sunshine.

dear god,

I wish that the happiness of others will always be enough to outweigh all miseries of my own life.

Your long lost friend,
Taylor.


Amen.

momentum.

ofcourse.


once again im there.


the days looking overcast.

i should learn to take my own advice.


Update: i cant feel my foot. my room smells like alcohol and rusting iron.
i think it gives it character

curbside prophet

In a very dispondent mood right now
or maybe its the result of a philosophical break through.
or maybe im just over caffienated

everything i write makes no sense and is completely out of context
but some how speaks more truth than a modern day bible for outsiders.

seperate we stand, united we fall

been counting to infinity since the day i was born,
feels like i get closer everyday.

we are starting to realize that we are alone alot sooner.
it usually doesnt hit us till we are out on our own
trying to live our lives.
what does this mean?
if every life experience is happening to us sooner,
does that mean our lives are cut shorter?
is that why we are stuck searching everday, every minute?
because if we dont find it fast enough,
we never will?


whatever.


my head has the flu,
and its vomiting up words.

my secret:

i fear the loss of my imagination.

epiphany

all this time i had always found you very annoying
but i look at you now and i see we are very much alike


but there is one major difference,

the eclipse never passed over me,
i once dreamed that it would but it never did
when all you have is clouds you wish for the moon

but now i have the sun
making the clouds fade away and warming my cheeks
and i see that the moon was never meant for me
and ive never been more okay with that

oh mr. magazine

don't you wish you could just go back in time?
where things meant more, but seemed to mean less
when the sun seemed to shine brighter and more frequent
and the rain filled our heads with dreams instead of gloom.

a girl cries out she is sick of her world, wishing for peace to clear her troubled thoughts.

a boy cries out for humanity
to be better, to do better
to break free from this generation of commercial beauty, sex, drugs, and alcohol
to prove we can do more, be more, than what we are expected of.

oh Mr. Magazine,
tell me how to be
show me the life i need to live to be human.

monsterr.

the craziest thing happened to me today

so i was really hyper and really bored,
and decided to calm myself by taking a walk down the street to the library
while i was in the library, turning threw pages of chuck palahniuk
i noticed that this one guy who looked quite similar to a young flava flav, was following me
keeping his distance but staying in a close area
it didnt exactly bother me, it was more annoying than anything since i slightly wanted to be alone
but i decided to leave and grab an avalanche

while i was walking out, i got the strange tingle on the back of my neck that you get when you feel someones watching you
as i turned around, i saw that he was still following me
i quickened my pace and decided to ditch the coffee idea
i glanced back a few times, and like i thought he was still there
i called my mom as i walked, so i would have some kind of witness if anything did happen
then as soon as i turned the corner past the church, i hauled ass
never looking back till i was safely inside, door locked.

needless to say, i was very scared.
the funny thing about this (in a weird, twisted, scary way)
is as i was walking to the library to begin with, i noticed it was unusually quiet
you know how in horror movies, before something bad happens, it gets really quiet
and there is usually some kind of noise or song that warns you of whats gonna happen next?
while i was turning the corner, a cell phone started to ring
not a single sound except the soft echo of a verizon jingle

coincidence?

just listen.

it seems when you lack something, you make up for it in something else.

i suck at talking, but apparently i rock at listening.
and that makes me happy
because sometimes thats all you need
whether its to let your heart out without interruption or to hear a friendly voice



too bad i suck at talking


edit: that was fucking weird.

ever feel like jumping?

i have.

in a seemingly charmed life, its hard to believe that such pain can exist.
maybe because we are trained to always be happy,
paint on our smiles and put on the show

paint me with a tear.

i live today as if its my last, because i have lived too long in my past.
nightmares still lurk around my mind, awaking me with wounds that will never heal
though the evidence is long gone. who would ever know?

i reach for a future that is unclear.
the foundation crumbles beneath my feet as i climb to reach my purpose.
the truth i am denying.
i live for today, because i have no faith.

you talk to me like you know me
but do you?
dear perfect stranger,
when you look in the mirror what do you see?
tell me what you see is real, because all i see is a reflection.
a reflection will never tell you what you want,
just what is already there.

we are mended from pieces of shattered glass.
they didnt lie when they said we are made in gods image


so tell me,
who made you?

about a girl

today shall be the beginning of my blogging days.
though ive tried many times, i think its time i keep one
i find its so much easier to get out my thoughts while typing
but either by the pen or by the keyboard the words never come out right.

ill try to post alittle something everyday, but it just depends on my schedule
i am a real person, i do have a life.

this is just my introduction,
ill start the real stuff tomorrow.
or maybe tonight


we'll see.

have a lovely thursday!