life, the universe, god, and heaven. they are large and they are vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.

i love him, he doesnt love me. i love him, he loves me.
i love her, she doesnt love me. i love her, she loves me.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.

he is my savior, he is my demise.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.

it's not mine.
you're not mine.
but i want it and i want you.
i want it to hang around my neck like a locket.
but it will not. you will not.
i hang around its neck like a locket.

i dont matter and yet i do.
there is nothing i can do to change it.
but i can.

i am small.
i like it and i dont like it.

love all, trust few, and do wrong to noone.

a good friend once told me,
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I have never heard something so true.



for a person who is so used to always being right, it is very hard and painful for me to admit i was wrong.
people tried to tell me i was wrong, but because of my narcissism i didnt listen.
but now i realize that i was a fool.
i was a fool to believe.
to go against everything i had always known and to ignore my instincts.
that will never happen again.
i refuse to keep being made to look like an idiot.
i am so much better than that.
id get out, turn around, if only i knew i was dead wrong.
all along.


You are not the person i thought you were.
not at all.
i do not know you.
i do not know this horrible person.
but i will always long for that boy that i loved,
i will always love him,
and i will always miss him.
maybe some day we will meet again, in some form or another.

this aching and emptiness in my heart will never heal.
it is something i will just have to learn to live with.
and i will live.
i will live to show you that i can, to show everyone i can.
it will be a long and difficult road.
trying to get back to the way i was before i met you.
because i wish i had never met you.
but i will overcome some how.

i am a firm believer in karma.
i believed she would get what she deserved without your assistance.
but because you messed with karma, now you will get what you deserve.

and this time i cant promise i'll be there to help you.

Happy birthday to me.........

Today is my 16th birthday.

all my life i have been the type of person who took full advantage of their birthday.
i considered august 2nd to be a holiday, and i usually celebrated the whole week.
i did anything i wanted, with the excuss of "its my birthday"

quite simply, i loved my birthday.

and today should be one of the best birthdays of my life.
16
even tho i stilll cant drive,
turning 16 just feels different.
i should be the happiest person in the world right now.


but im not.
today is one of the worst days of my life.
i dont feel anything at all,
i just want to stay in bed until today is over.
because what i want for my birthday, ill never get.
no matter how much i wishm it wont happen.
so whats the goddamn point?


you ruined my birthday.


so for that,
fuck you.

Dead.

if you are reading this,
I am dead.
i have died and i will not rise again.
bury me beneath the sheets of everything i ever believed in.

i have nothing.
i have nothing.

i have nothing to live for.
had nothing to live for.
and today i let myself die.

my body is cold.
i am cold.
my blood has ceased to run.
my mind has stopped turning.
my heart has stopped beating.
and i am cold.

there is no peace in my death.
there is no white light.
there is only darkness.
black.
i was abandoned in life,
and now i am abandoned in death.

i told you i would explain to you the word "ever".
As james and Lilly sat in the clearing,
Lilly whispered "Im afraid",
James replied "I know you are and so am i. but the only thing that matters, the only thing you need to know for sure is that im not leaving"
She smiles "Ever?"
"Yes. Ever."
Lilly rests her head on James's shoulder "I don't want to be alone anymore, James"
James rests his head on hers, "You won't be"
"I cried all day" Lilly says.
And James gently lifts Lilly's head, looks her in the eyes and whispers "Don't cry again. Just think of the word ever".........................

Even in death, i will think of you forever,
your memory will never leave me.
even in death.
yours is the last face ill see before the black takes over.
the very last sound i hear will be your voice,



the very last breath i take will be your scent.