Car Crash Hearts,

It was early morning by the time they left the neon lights of the club,
The streets still lit by the street lamps.
The air had grown cold but it felt nice on her bare skin,
still glistening from dancing all night.
His curly hair lay almost straight with sweat along the sides of his face,
under the wool beanie he always wore,
more out of habit than to keep himself warm.
They walked silently for a while,
still entranced by the spell of each other.
After a few minutes she pulled out a menthol cigarette from the pack in her purse,
pressing it to her lips and lighting it expertly with her pink zippo.
He stared at her with a look of curiosity in his face as she exhaled smoke,
watching it mix with the steam from his own hot breath.
He looked down embarrassed when she noticed his gaze and turned to him.
"You know smoking can kill you" he said, now looking at the pavement
She laughed, "A lot of things can kill me. A bus as i'm crossing the street, a stranger i meet at a bar." she slanted her eyes at him furtively, the smoke curling around her plump red lips (which he couldn't help but notice), "He could turn out to be a psychopathic serial killer!"
"Well that's true about the bus thing," He replied with a chuckle,"and for legal purposes, we'll just say that the second part isn't true." he lifted his eyes to hers deviously, twisting his lips into a crooked smile, "With the stranger there is so much possibility for something great to begin. But with smoking, it is proven to be bad for you, no matter what. There's never a choice for a happy ending."
She took a last drag from her cigarette and flicked it to the street, stomping it out with her heel.
"But you see, that's not true either. You believe what you hear and what you see, what they tell you is rational, because any normal person would see the effects of smoking, like lung cancer for example, as certain misery and death."
" But what if getting lung cancer is the best thing that ever happens to me? That I find the friends and family i never had in the support groups and doctors and nurses in the hospitals? what if i find god in my last few months of life and for the first time find peace in my soul and the world?" Her voice grew louder and her eyes seemed far away as she looked up at the sky.
"Whether i died or lived, i would be better. I would die happy, or i would live more grateful for life than i had ever felt before."
She then stopped walking and turned to stand in front of him.
Her eyes seemed to plead for an answer,
to be understood and accepted,
as if they had never seen a day of peace in their life.
They were standing on top of the bridge over the Chicago River,
The few stars that glittered in the night sky over the city reflecting off the dark water below.
He was staring at her with complete amazement in his eyes.
In all his life he had never met a girl like her, so honest and trusting,
and he knew at that moment he could never go another day without her.
She dropped her eyes, her face now flushed with the cold air and slight embarrassment,
She couldn't understand the look on his face,
or the sudden electricity in the air.
it was far different than the atmosphere that had been between them in the club,
full of curiosity and desire.
This was thicker, deeper, almost tangible.
He took a step closer to her, and then another, and when the gap was closed between them,
he gently lifted her hung head with his finger tips.
His bright green eyes locked with hers and she knew what was about to happen.
She opened her mouth to say something, but her words were lost as their lips touched.
The kiss was soft, gentle.
It was the kiss of two people who wanted each other,
but also needed something from the other.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer,
curling her fingers around the ends of his damp hair as he wrapped his arms around her thin waist.
After a moment they pulled away, still not letting go of the other,
and in that embrace she too realized,
her life was about to change forever.

REM,

its times like these,
when the darkness takes you in and caresses you with her lacey finger tips,
where there is no difference between wrong and right.
and even if there was, we could be wrong for just one night.

the light of the dancing flame cascades over piles of silk and skin,
making the stars shine dark through the window pane,
compared to their glow.

compared to our glow.

beneath the sheets lies our only truth,
the one we hide from in the sun.
the need, the want we try to run,
from yet somehow always come back to.

in the morning light it will be forgotten,
so for now lets live inside this moment,
inside eachother,
where tears and laughter dont mean a thing.
its all the same when you play these games,
we play with the night and the stars and the flame.

The trees get wheeled away,

im beginning to realize a pattern.


you know my mom used to tell me all the time that i was born for a reason.
that god sent me to her at the exact time that she needed something to save her.
that if it wasnt for me she'd probably be dead.
she used to tell me that through out my Deedee's life she had been mostly unhappy.
the only thing that brought her unconditional joy was me.
and in the last few years of her life it was perfect timing.

funny if all this is true,
cause it seems i didnt get much out of the deal.
from the time i was small ive lived for other people.
brought me great happiness for the most part.
i like to know i can make people happy.
but it always ends with a great sacrifice for myself.

atleast i knew/know they truly loved and cared about me the whole time.
my whole life.
the only 2 people who ever have.

i let myself get walked on by everyone, almost daily.
just so they will be happier.

since you were one of the single most important people in my life, it goes without saying i gave up a lot of my own happiness to make sure you were happy.
that for once in your life you felt like you had someone there for you who cared and loved you.

guess i should have seen the way it would end though.
lots of pain and heart ache.
its how it always is for me.

i was born to live for other people, to make other people happy.
to make sure other people are good and live great lives or die happy.

there have been a few people like that in the past.
and if i remember correctly, they all died.

so it seems i have a lot to look forward to.

why everything thats happened surprised me, i dont know.
cause ive seen it all before.

but at least i knew they loved and cared about me unconditionately the whole time.

unlike you.

so we've gone from not much to nothing at all.


you're welcome.