memories find me in the wake of night and catch me unaware.
perhaps it was his face, or his face, or hers, or theirs that brought me here but then again it all goes back to you in the end. not your intention
im sure.
the smell of smoke, sweat, and perfume always filled the air of that little house. it was a smell id grown so used to, whether it be the fact i was there 24/7 or the fact that my clothes smelled the same way. or maybe
thats one in the same. Clarissa was my favorite person as well as my favorite family member. she was 2 years older than me, and i loved everything about her from her long black hair, to her smokey eyes, to her lanky features and awkward walk. when she talked everyone listened because everything she said sounded urgent and important. she wore her clothes a size too small, which made her anorexic hip bones stick out over the hem of her jeans unnaturally. I wanted to be exactly like her. everyday we would go out into the dark surrounding woods in search of treasures and new places to call our own. we'd play house in the abandoned tree fort, or pirates in the
enclosed creek. we'd bring snacks and eat them on the fallen, rotted tree, swatting at bugs that swarmed in the summer heat. we(she) would talk about our parents (or the ones that
didnt exist), Boys (imaginary or real), and growing up (wearing lipstick, getting periods, and smoking). This was our life, summer after summer. or more my life. Clarissa had a life of her own and
didnt need me. not like i needed her. As we got older, me in soft adolescents and her being a raging teen, we began expanding our little world so it was not just us anymore. Friends of
Clarissas came in and out of her house more than even i did. Mostly boys. older and smarter and more beautiful than any i had ever been around. i envied the way
clarissa could talk to them so easily, unlike me who rambled about nothing,and the love in all the boys eyes for her and her beauty, unlike me who was young and too cute. They mostly ignored me, and as time went on so did
clarissa. i
didnt mind much, i just enjoyed the taste of the world around me. i liked being the wall flower. I also began to notice the differences in all the boys and the differences in how
clarissa acted around them. Some were too nice, some were mean, some were cocky, some were shy, some were pushy, some were loud. some made
clarissa laugh, some made her cry, some made her scream, some made her dumb, some made her bleed. It was all so much and all too many for my
inexperienced brain to understand. I began to not like
clarissa because of how she ignored me or tried to boss me around whenever we
werent alone, which was becoming more and more often. i began to resent boys because they ignored me or were unkind or tried to boss me around. i began to think they were confusing me with
clarissa.
and then one day not so very special, you came into our little world that everyone was now using and calling there own. you came in, and everything changed. not your intention im sure........
