amongst white rabbits,

as i sit on my sofa bed, aimlessly skimming through my new book, i begin to ponder.
as usual, i ponder for at least 10 minutes about absolutely nothing at all.
much like staring blankly at a plain white canvas.
sometimes i actually do stare and its very embarrassing when I'm around people.
because i never know when this time of forced thought will occur, on occasion this happens.
after this time period of concentrating on nothing, something will start to appear.
a thought or idea will begin to paint itself.
and this is where my true thought process begins.
tonight, like most other nights, this happened to me.
and the subject of thought was simply: me.
it is said that the way you walk determines alot about how you are.
some people walk slow, looking at there shoes. others walk swiftly, staring the world straight in the face.
and some are like me. walking fast, making many small steps, staring at the floor.
this fact had never struck me as odd until just now.
and now it bothers me.
it only adds the big question of "who am i?" or rather "what do i want?"
the more i sit and examine my walk and its meaning, i begin to realize more things.
the reason i stare at the floor is because i don't like to look at people when i walk.
i hate making eye contact, and always feel awkward when i see someone i know to just say 'hi'.
so to avoid this, i don't look at any ones faces.
this in turn makes me feel more awkward because i don't know who's looking at me.
and that's where walking fast comes in.
the sooner i make it to class, the sooner i will be away from this situation of insecurity.
Which raises the next question, "why am i insecure?"
this i am still trying to figure out.
i know that i am nice to the people i meet, a likable person to people who don't know me well, and loved by the people who do know me.
I'm not trying to be narcissistic, that's just kind of how it is. and i know this.
so why do i second guess that fact?
i also know i crave attention.
nothing thrills me more than for all eyes and ears to be on me. to have people stop what they are doing to listen to what i have to say.
sometimes you can find me as the girl who laughs and talks loudly with a circle of other kids.
always smiling, always with someone on her arm.
and then there is the other part of me that is shy.
reserved. who would rather watch from the side lines.
be behind the camera than actually be on it.
these two parts are both inside me.
and they both loath the other.
because of this i am always in a constant state of confusion.
i never know exactly what to do, and this makes me awkward.
this makes me insecure, and makes me stare at the floor when i walk.
this makes me ask the questions:
"who am i?"
"what do i want?"