if only i had known.

if only i had known,
that this would be the end,
i would have done a lot of things different.
if i had known, that would be the last night we slept together,
i would have given you more room.
if i had known, that would be the last night we were intimate,
i would have made it last longer.
if i had known, that would be our last kiss,
i would have let the world watch.
if i had known, that was the last smile i'd see,
i would have tried harder to make it stay.
if i had known, that was the last movie we'd watch,
i would have sat in your lap.
if i had known, that was the last time id hear you laugh,
i would have memorized the sound.
if i had known, that be the last time i could comfort you,
i would have held you all night.
if i had known, that would be the last time you said i love you,
i would have said it back.

there are a lot of things i wish i had done,
wish i hadnt,
wish i still could.

i knew eventually this would come,
and yet i was still too prideful to care.
i always assumed if this happened,
it would be easier.
its not. not at all.

i said i wouldnt cry this time,
but saying and doing are two different things,
cause tears come anyway.

when im mad i dont like to say things,
which is why i dont,
but that doesnt mean it isnt true.
i dont want tomorrow to come,
and you think that i dont love you.
because i dont know what will happen tomorrow,
so you should know what i do know now,
and that is that i do love you,
and i always have,
and i always will.
and that i still think you are beautiful,
and you should know that too.

im glad you care about me,
and i hope that maybe you will for awhile.

you cant erase the bad,
without altering the good,
and id like to hold onto the good for as long as i can.
to keep me warm and safe,
in the place of where your body used to lay.

shadow.

i dont know where it came from,
or why it likes to come around at all.
why it feels invited to stay for so long,
an unexpected guest of the worst kind.

Blood on the ground,

my mind buzzes like a swarm of hornets having angry sex.
ive lost all sense of the way things were.

lately ive been contemplating the state of my soul,
surveying more for the highest bidder than for myself.
because in the end we dont own a damn thing,
not this house we call our bodies,
or the junk that lays askew inside.

To be blunt id rather pull out all my teeth
than listen to you speak one more word.
but ive never been too forward,
so ill just sit back and grin,
and grind them slowly hoping that you'll get the picture before they're nothing but bloody nubs.

i cant help but find it a little funny,
when you're crawling on your knees,
spitting blood on my feet.
i admire the color of the crimson meeting the asphalt.
oh things will work out like they always do,
me on my back,
and you sky high before your face first onto the pillow.
i find it so charming that "Fuck" is always your last word,
before your down and out.

i could spend hours talking about how things should be,
but i keep my mouth shut,
and hide away in the corners of my thoughts where you havent dared to go,
and whisper to even myself,
"This is what you wanted."

in the most unexpected faces, i see changes.

How i look at life has changed indeed since the last time we spoke, my love. From fluffy clouds of pink and orange that filled our heads with lazy milligram dreams, to a crushing tide from unclear oceans. The sun shown brighter yesterday, of this i am quite certain, and it again will dim tomorrow. Until one day the sun will not shine at all.

I still feel you in the air when i see a crooked smile accompanied with blood shot eyes. Is it true still what we used to say, that love is the driving force of the soul? For in these dying days i feel as if it is something more sinister. Though truly what is more sinister than love? The constant struggle of the heart to gain and lose all at once.

Everywhere i look there are faces, all with different expressions. Some of love, some of lust, of hate, of sadness. My heart fills with paranoia at the thought of this being what you see too.

oh please close your eyes, close your eyes for me.

i used to dream in Polariods. Distorted frames of smiling faces, trickling with bittersweet memories. Maybe its a past life of which i am remembering, since i have yet to see these things in this life. but is it love or heartache that i recall, that my heart craves so desperately?

but now my dreams are vivid pictures. Not quite nightmares but they fill me with sorrow. They're too much like reality, taking away the safe haven of fantasies, leaving me with no place to hide.

My heart cries out,

but i simply cant bring myself to write about you.

i'll keep you trapped inside a trunk in my mind,

where all my secrets go to hide.

Car Crash Hearts,

It was early morning by the time they left the neon lights of the club,
The streets still lit by the street lamps.
The air had grown cold but it felt nice on her bare skin,
still glistening from dancing all night.
His curly hair lay almost straight with sweat along the sides of his face,
under the wool beanie he always wore,
more out of habit than to keep himself warm.
They walked silently for a while,
still entranced by the spell of each other.
After a few minutes she pulled out a menthol cigarette from the pack in her purse,
pressing it to her lips and lighting it expertly with her pink zippo.
He stared at her with a look of curiosity in his face as she exhaled smoke,
watching it mix with the steam from his own hot breath.
He looked down embarrassed when she noticed his gaze and turned to him.
"You know smoking can kill you" he said, now looking at the pavement
She laughed, "A lot of things can kill me. A bus as i'm crossing the street, a stranger i meet at a bar." she slanted her eyes at him furtively, the smoke curling around her plump red lips (which he couldn't help but notice), "He could turn out to be a psychopathic serial killer!"
"Well that's true about the bus thing," He replied with a chuckle,"and for legal purposes, we'll just say that the second part isn't true." he lifted his eyes to hers deviously, twisting his lips into a crooked smile, "With the stranger there is so much possibility for something great to begin. But with smoking, it is proven to be bad for you, no matter what. There's never a choice for a happy ending."
She took a last drag from her cigarette and flicked it to the street, stomping it out with her heel.
"But you see, that's not true either. You believe what you hear and what you see, what they tell you is rational, because any normal person would see the effects of smoking, like lung cancer for example, as certain misery and death."
" But what if getting lung cancer is the best thing that ever happens to me? That I find the friends and family i never had in the support groups and doctors and nurses in the hospitals? what if i find god in my last few months of life and for the first time find peace in my soul and the world?" Her voice grew louder and her eyes seemed far away as she looked up at the sky.
"Whether i died or lived, i would be better. I would die happy, or i would live more grateful for life than i had ever felt before."
She then stopped walking and turned to stand in front of him.
Her eyes seemed to plead for an answer,
to be understood and accepted,
as if they had never seen a day of peace in their life.
They were standing on top of the bridge over the Chicago River,
The few stars that glittered in the night sky over the city reflecting off the dark water below.
He was staring at her with complete amazement in his eyes.
In all his life he had never met a girl like her, so honest and trusting,
and he knew at that moment he could never go another day without her.
She dropped her eyes, her face now flushed with the cold air and slight embarrassment,
She couldn't understand the look on his face,
or the sudden electricity in the air.
it was far different than the atmosphere that had been between them in the club,
full of curiosity and desire.
This was thicker, deeper, almost tangible.
He took a step closer to her, and then another, and when the gap was closed between them,
he gently lifted her hung head with his finger tips.
His bright green eyes locked with hers and she knew what was about to happen.
She opened her mouth to say something, but her words were lost as their lips touched.
The kiss was soft, gentle.
It was the kiss of two people who wanted each other,
but also needed something from the other.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer,
curling her fingers around the ends of his damp hair as he wrapped his arms around her thin waist.
After a moment they pulled away, still not letting go of the other,
and in that embrace she too realized,
her life was about to change forever.

REM,

its times like these,
when the darkness takes you in and caresses you with her lacey finger tips,
where there is no difference between wrong and right.
and even if there was, we could be wrong for just one night.

the light of the dancing flame cascades over piles of silk and skin,
making the stars shine dark through the window pane,
compared to their glow.

compared to our glow.

beneath the sheets lies our only truth,
the one we hide from in the sun.
the need, the want we try to run,
from yet somehow always come back to.

in the morning light it will be forgotten,
so for now lets live inside this moment,
inside eachother,
where tears and laughter dont mean a thing.
its all the same when you play these games,
we play with the night and the stars and the flame.

The trees get wheeled away,

im beginning to realize a pattern.


you know my mom used to tell me all the time that i was born for a reason.
that god sent me to her at the exact time that she needed something to save her.
that if it wasnt for me she'd probably be dead.
she used to tell me that through out my Deedee's life she had been mostly unhappy.
the only thing that brought her unconditional joy was me.
and in the last few years of her life it was perfect timing.

funny if all this is true,
cause it seems i didnt get much out of the deal.
from the time i was small ive lived for other people.
brought me great happiness for the most part.
i like to know i can make people happy.
but it always ends with a great sacrifice for myself.

atleast i knew/know they truly loved and cared about me the whole time.
my whole life.
the only 2 people who ever have.

i let myself get walked on by everyone, almost daily.
just so they will be happier.

since you were one of the single most important people in my life, it goes without saying i gave up a lot of my own happiness to make sure you were happy.
that for once in your life you felt like you had someone there for you who cared and loved you.

guess i should have seen the way it would end though.
lots of pain and heart ache.
its how it always is for me.

i was born to live for other people, to make other people happy.
to make sure other people are good and live great lives or die happy.

there have been a few people like that in the past.
and if i remember correctly, they all died.

so it seems i have a lot to look forward to.

why everything thats happened surprised me, i dont know.
cause ive seen it all before.

but at least i knew they loved and cared about me unconditionately the whole time.

unlike you.

so we've gone from not much to nothing at all.


you're welcome.