Memory Lane,

Through Blinds:

Another cold night alone,

listening to the sounds of the city,

blinded by the lights,

watching yellow checkered cars go by.

The world is fading fast,

as i close my eyes and listen,

to noises fading away,

and the lights begin to dim.

Sleep finally consumes me,

but does not bring me peace,

the vision of your face,

still fresh on my mind.

This loneliness i feel,

will never leave me be,

until you're here with me,

and you're all i hear and see.

Back to Life:

Bring me back to life,

hit me with waves of forever

let them take me out to sea.

I lie on the warm sands of your soul,

listening to the sweet sounds of words you've left unsaid.

I skate on thin ice of deceiving eyes,

admiring the clever lies that hide beneath.

why have i fallen so hard?

why have i been so stupid to believe your lies?

Bring me back to life,

so i can once again be free.

Rain:

I find myself alone again,

listening to the rain outside my window.

i love the sound of rain.

its steady, unchanging beat.

why cant we be like rain?

i sit next to the phone,

awaiting a call that will never come.

i see a flash of lightning,

and hear the banging thunder.

Then i realize we arent rain,

we're a thunderstorm

intro

this is a lil snippet (a very lil snippet) of a short story im working on.

hopefully the rest will make it on here,

this is mostly just to see if ive managed to peak anyone's interest.

a thesis you could say:

it was spring,

the last of winters chill melting away,

turning into flowers.

lavenders and gardenias,

spread across the meadows that circled our home.

it was spring,

when my mother put that 9 mm to her temple and pulled the trigger.

i remember the sound of the gun.

my father and i were sitting on the porch,

covered in a thin layer of sweat from hiking back from our private lake after our annual fishing trip.

i had always been daddy's little girl,

that made concrete when i followed my father inside to find my mothers brains splattered artistically on the linoleum floor of our kitchen.

after that everything became a blur.

a phone call.

red and blue lights.

a stretcher.

and then silence.

one.

Adam was a collector of beautiful things. We loved beautiful things, because Adam loved beautiful things. This could be one of the reasons why he chose dallas and i as companions. Despite coloration, dallas and i looked basically the same. Same medium height, same boyish limbs, anorexic thin, our bones protruding in our cheeks and hips and collars. We are the proof and negative of the same picture. Skin, blood, and bone. Light, dark, and film. This could also explain Adam's other interests, photography and fighting. nothing was ever coincidence with him. Even Lily had to have a purpose in our little universe, though we never figured out exactly what that was. We settled with her endless connections to the drugs. Though nothing with Adam was ever that simple. However, Adam himself seemed to be just that. He wore the same clothes as any boy his age, had the same hair cut, had the same look of extreme boredom and teenage angst. He was handsome, but nothing special. He completely blended in. Just another pawn of the universe. This is exactly the way he wanted it. To him the only way to truly rebel against society was to give it what it wants. Be in the crowd. Back away from the blood running towards your feet. Pretend you are the slave of the world, and suddenly the world is your slave. Attack from the inside. If dallas and i were the outer, picture beauty, Adam was a masterpiece in mind. Maybe thats why we loved him and he loved us.We were the final piece of Adam's collection.

Light, dark, and film. Skin, blood, and bones.

the state of things.

i believe i am wasting,

wasting away.

i feel as though my life has become slave to routine,

the unsteady thump thump of lifes heartbeat,

has taken over my own.

i am burning from the inside,

whats left of my soul aflame.

i hope that it amounts to something.

there wasnt much left to begin with,

the breaking of my heart, no matter how severe,

could never compare to the destruction of my soul.

even though now its all a nightmare.

i am a ghost of myself,

an impostor,

a puppet on the string of another.

what happened to me? where did i go?

perhaps i am hiding in the land of the sleeping,

the place we go when our bodies are no longer ours.

i hope i am happy there.

or maybe this is the land of the sleeping,

it certainly seems like so.

perhaps one day i will finally wake up and this dream will be just that,

a dream.

when did life become the enemy?

if only i had known.

if only i had known,
that this would be the end,
i would have done a lot of things different.
if i had known, that would be the last night we slept together,
i would have given you more room.
if i had known, that would be the last night we were intimate,
i would have made it last longer.
if i had known, that would be our last kiss,
i would have let the world watch.
if i had known, that was the last smile i'd see,
i would have tried harder to make it stay.
if i had known, that was the last movie we'd watch,
i would have sat in your lap.
if i had known, that was the last time id hear you laugh,
i would have memorized the sound.
if i had known, that be the last time i could comfort you,
i would have held you all night.
if i had known, that would be the last time you said i love you,
i would have said it back.

there are a lot of things i wish i had done,
wish i hadnt,
wish i still could.

i knew eventually this would come,
and yet i was still too prideful to care.
i always assumed if this happened,
it would be easier.
its not. not at all.

i said i wouldnt cry this time,
but saying and doing are two different things,
cause tears come anyway.

when im mad i dont like to say things,
which is why i dont,
but that doesnt mean it isnt true.
i dont want tomorrow to come,
and you think that i dont love you.
because i dont know what will happen tomorrow,
so you should know what i do know now,
and that is that i do love you,
and i always have,
and i always will.
and that i still think you are beautiful,
and you should know that too.

im glad you care about me,
and i hope that maybe you will for awhile.

you cant erase the bad,
without altering the good,
and id like to hold onto the good for as long as i can.
to keep me warm and safe,
in the place of where your body used to lay.

shadow.

i dont know where it came from,
or why it likes to come around at all.
why it feels invited to stay for so long,
an unexpected guest of the worst kind.

Blood on the ground,

my mind buzzes like a swarm of hornets having angry sex.
ive lost all sense of the way things were.

lately ive been contemplating the state of my soul,
surveying more for the highest bidder than for myself.
because in the end we dont own a damn thing,
not this house we call our bodies,
or the junk that lays askew inside.

To be blunt id rather pull out all my teeth
than listen to you speak one more word.
but ive never been too forward,
so ill just sit back and grin,
and grind them slowly hoping that you'll get the picture before they're nothing but bloody nubs.

i cant help but find it a little funny,
when you're crawling on your knees,
spitting blood on my feet.
i admire the color of the crimson meeting the asphalt.
oh things will work out like they always do,
me on my back,
and you sky high before your face first onto the pillow.
i find it so charming that "Fuck" is always your last word,
before your down and out.

i could spend hours talking about how things should be,
but i keep my mouth shut,
and hide away in the corners of my thoughts where you havent dared to go,
and whisper to even myself,
"This is what you wanted."

in the most unexpected faces, i see changes.

How i look at life has changed indeed since the last time we spoke, my love. From fluffy clouds of pink and orange that filled our heads with lazy milligram dreams, to a crushing tide from unclear oceans. The sun shown brighter yesterday, of this i am quite certain, and it again will dim tomorrow. Until one day the sun will not shine at all.

I still feel you in the air when i see a crooked smile accompanied with blood shot eyes. Is it true still what we used to say, that love is the driving force of the soul? For in these dying days i feel as if it is something more sinister. Though truly what is more sinister than love? The constant struggle of the heart to gain and lose all at once.

Everywhere i look there are faces, all with different expressions. Some of love, some of lust, of hate, of sadness. My heart fills with paranoia at the thought of this being what you see too.

oh please close your eyes, close your eyes for me.

i used to dream in Polariods. Distorted frames of smiling faces, trickling with bittersweet memories. Maybe its a past life of which i am remembering, since i have yet to see these things in this life. but is it love or heartache that i recall, that my heart craves so desperately?

but now my dreams are vivid pictures. Not quite nightmares but they fill me with sorrow. They're too much like reality, taking away the safe haven of fantasies, leaving me with no place to hide.

My heart cries out,

but i simply cant bring myself to write about you.

i'll keep you trapped inside a trunk in my mind,

where all my secrets go to hide.

Car Crash Hearts,

It was early morning by the time they left the neon lights of the club,
The streets still lit by the street lamps.
The air had grown cold but it felt nice on her bare skin,
still glistening from dancing all night.
His curly hair lay almost straight with sweat along the sides of his face,
under the wool beanie he always wore,
more out of habit than to keep himself warm.
They walked silently for a while,
still entranced by the spell of each other.
After a few minutes she pulled out a menthol cigarette from the pack in her purse,
pressing it to her lips and lighting it expertly with her pink zippo.
He stared at her with a look of curiosity in his face as she exhaled smoke,
watching it mix with the steam from his own hot breath.
He looked down embarrassed when she noticed his gaze and turned to him.
"You know smoking can kill you" he said, now looking at the pavement
She laughed, "A lot of things can kill me. A bus as i'm crossing the street, a stranger i meet at a bar." she slanted her eyes at him furtively, the smoke curling around her plump red lips (which he couldn't help but notice), "He could turn out to be a psychopathic serial killer!"
"Well that's true about the bus thing," He replied with a chuckle,"and for legal purposes, we'll just say that the second part isn't true." he lifted his eyes to hers deviously, twisting his lips into a crooked smile, "With the stranger there is so much possibility for something great to begin. But with smoking, it is proven to be bad for you, no matter what. There's never a choice for a happy ending."
She took a last drag from her cigarette and flicked it to the street, stomping it out with her heel.
"But you see, that's not true either. You believe what you hear and what you see, what they tell you is rational, because any normal person would see the effects of smoking, like lung cancer for example, as certain misery and death."
" But what if getting lung cancer is the best thing that ever happens to me? That I find the friends and family i never had in the support groups and doctors and nurses in the hospitals? what if i find god in my last few months of life and for the first time find peace in my soul and the world?" Her voice grew louder and her eyes seemed far away as she looked up at the sky.
"Whether i died or lived, i would be better. I would die happy, or i would live more grateful for life than i had ever felt before."
She then stopped walking and turned to stand in front of him.
Her eyes seemed to plead for an answer,
to be understood and accepted,
as if they had never seen a day of peace in their life.
They were standing on top of the bridge over the Chicago River,
The few stars that glittered in the night sky over the city reflecting off the dark water below.
He was staring at her with complete amazement in his eyes.
In all his life he had never met a girl like her, so honest and trusting,
and he knew at that moment he could never go another day without her.
She dropped her eyes, her face now flushed with the cold air and slight embarrassment,
She couldn't understand the look on his face,
or the sudden electricity in the air.
it was far different than the atmosphere that had been between them in the club,
full of curiosity and desire.
This was thicker, deeper, almost tangible.
He took a step closer to her, and then another, and when the gap was closed between them,
he gently lifted her hung head with his finger tips.
His bright green eyes locked with hers and she knew what was about to happen.
She opened her mouth to say something, but her words were lost as their lips touched.
The kiss was soft, gentle.
It was the kiss of two people who wanted each other,
but also needed something from the other.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer,
curling her fingers around the ends of his damp hair as he wrapped his arms around her thin waist.
After a moment they pulled away, still not letting go of the other,
and in that embrace she too realized,
her life was about to change forever.

REM,

its times like these,
when the darkness takes you in and caresses you with her lacey finger tips,
where there is no difference between wrong and right.
and even if there was, we could be wrong for just one night.

the light of the dancing flame cascades over piles of silk and skin,
making the stars shine dark through the window pane,
compared to their glow.

compared to our glow.

beneath the sheets lies our only truth,
the one we hide from in the sun.
the need, the want we try to run,
from yet somehow always come back to.

in the morning light it will be forgotten,
so for now lets live inside this moment,
inside eachother,
where tears and laughter dont mean a thing.
its all the same when you play these games,
we play with the night and the stars and the flame.

The trees get wheeled away,

im beginning to realize a pattern.


you know my mom used to tell me all the time that i was born for a reason.
that god sent me to her at the exact time that she needed something to save her.
that if it wasnt for me she'd probably be dead.
she used to tell me that through out my Deedee's life she had been mostly unhappy.
the only thing that brought her unconditional joy was me.
and in the last few years of her life it was perfect timing.

funny if all this is true,
cause it seems i didnt get much out of the deal.
from the time i was small ive lived for other people.
brought me great happiness for the most part.
i like to know i can make people happy.
but it always ends with a great sacrifice for myself.

atleast i knew/know they truly loved and cared about me the whole time.
my whole life.
the only 2 people who ever have.

i let myself get walked on by everyone, almost daily.
just so they will be happier.

since you were one of the single most important people in my life, it goes without saying i gave up a lot of my own happiness to make sure you were happy.
that for once in your life you felt like you had someone there for you who cared and loved you.

guess i should have seen the way it would end though.
lots of pain and heart ache.
its how it always is for me.

i was born to live for other people, to make other people happy.
to make sure other people are good and live great lives or die happy.

there have been a few people like that in the past.
and if i remember correctly, they all died.

so it seems i have a lot to look forward to.

why everything thats happened surprised me, i dont know.
cause ive seen it all before.

but at least i knew they loved and cared about me unconditionately the whole time.

unlike you.

so we've gone from not much to nothing at all.


you're welcome.

tick tock, tick tock
says the clock on the wall.
they say all things get better with time,
but there are some things that shouldnt.

im getting better,
its getting better.


it wants your blood.



your worst nightmare would cower.

sunrise, sunset

I think that the sun,
rises to see you, but falls
when you deceive me.

My mind was clouded
With thoughts of you; chameleon
eyes that turn to gold

The lover,

The summer, the summer
it is fading now and the trees are slowly dying.
Where are you?
The love ive come to cherish.
You were a child and I was a child,
But love is blind,
and what is time to those with immortal hearts?
Oh my dear the summer, the summer,
It is dying and so am i.
And so are we,
Are we?
The clock toll says we are,
But I can still feel your heart beat,
Keeping time with mine and the tick tock
Of our eternal minds.
The summer, the summer,
Singing its last song,
Sing to me again,
Heart of my heart, love of my love,
Like you did that night,
When we lay under the clear moonlight,
Bathing in the glory of what was you and i.
What is you and i.
My beloved, my summer, my summer,
you leave me with a sweet kiss,
a touch that burns my skin.
You were mine and now you are not.
Leaving me alone to bare,
The cold of my husbands stare.

life, the universe, god, and heaven. they are large and they are vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.

i love him, he doesnt love me. i love him, he loves me.
i love her, she doesnt love me. i love her, she loves me.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.

he is my savior, he is my demise.
it is large and it is vast.
i am small.
i like this and i dont like this.

it's not mine.
you're not mine.
but i want it and i want you.
i want it to hang around my neck like a locket.
but it will not. you will not.
i hang around its neck like a locket.

i dont matter and yet i do.
there is nothing i can do to change it.
but i can.

i am small.
i like it and i dont like it.

love all, trust few, and do wrong to noone.

a good friend once told me,
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
I have never heard something so true.



for a person who is so used to always being right, it is very hard and painful for me to admit i was wrong.
people tried to tell me i was wrong, but because of my narcissism i didnt listen.
but now i realize that i was a fool.
i was a fool to believe.
to go against everything i had always known and to ignore my instincts.
that will never happen again.
i refuse to keep being made to look like an idiot.
i am so much better than that.
id get out, turn around, if only i knew i was dead wrong.
all along.


You are not the person i thought you were.
not at all.
i do not know you.
i do not know this horrible person.
but i will always long for that boy that i loved,
i will always love him,
and i will always miss him.
maybe some day we will meet again, in some form or another.

this aching and emptiness in my heart will never heal.
it is something i will just have to learn to live with.
and i will live.
i will live to show you that i can, to show everyone i can.
it will be a long and difficult road.
trying to get back to the way i was before i met you.
because i wish i had never met you.
but i will overcome some how.

i am a firm believer in karma.
i believed she would get what she deserved without your assistance.
but because you messed with karma, now you will get what you deserve.

and this time i cant promise i'll be there to help you.

Happy birthday to me.........

Today is my 16th birthday.

all my life i have been the type of person who took full advantage of their birthday.
i considered august 2nd to be a holiday, and i usually celebrated the whole week.
i did anything i wanted, with the excuss of "its my birthday"

quite simply, i loved my birthday.

and today should be one of the best birthdays of my life.
16
even tho i stilll cant drive,
turning 16 just feels different.
i should be the happiest person in the world right now.


but im not.
today is one of the worst days of my life.
i dont feel anything at all,
i just want to stay in bed until today is over.
because what i want for my birthday, ill never get.
no matter how much i wishm it wont happen.
so whats the goddamn point?


you ruined my birthday.


so for that,
fuck you.

Dead.

if you are reading this,
I am dead.
i have died and i will not rise again.
bury me beneath the sheets of everything i ever believed in.

i have nothing.
i have nothing.

i have nothing to live for.
had nothing to live for.
and today i let myself die.

my body is cold.
i am cold.
my blood has ceased to run.
my mind has stopped turning.
my heart has stopped beating.
and i am cold.

there is no peace in my death.
there is no white light.
there is only darkness.
black.
i was abandoned in life,
and now i am abandoned in death.

i told you i would explain to you the word "ever".
As james and Lilly sat in the clearing,
Lilly whispered "Im afraid",
James replied "I know you are and so am i. but the only thing that matters, the only thing you need to know for sure is that im not leaving"
She smiles "Ever?"
"Yes. Ever."
Lilly rests her head on James's shoulder "I don't want to be alone anymore, James"
James rests his head on hers, "You won't be"
"I cried all day" Lilly says.
And James gently lifts Lilly's head, looks her in the eyes and whispers "Don't cry again. Just think of the word ever".........................

Even in death, i will think of you forever,
your memory will never leave me.
even in death.
yours is the last face ill see before the black takes over.
the very last sound i hear will be your voice,



the very last breath i take will be your scent.

Fury.

it rages through my body like a deadly virus.
urging me to do damage.
i want it to go away.
i want it to leave me.
i want to kill it.

progress report,

i am still sad.
and i still don't know what to do.


Well don't call me by my full name,
And all this is temporary.
It feels much better to know that you won't feel a thing.
Well don't talk about it;
Write it down but don't ask for help.
when I can't be honest with even myself.
Did you ever wish you were somebody else?